My sons are currently two and four, but I can still vividly remember the period leading up to my second child's birth and the weeks after. It was such an emotional time full of anxiety, sadness, excitement, worry, anticipation...I was pretty much all over the emotional richter scale!
I was sad that my time alone with my first child was coming to an end, excited to be having another baby, and worried about how we would all mesh together and if I could even love my second baby as much as I loved my first. Because I like, really loved him, I was sure more than most other people could love their babies. I just couldn't fathom loving a second baby as much as I loved my first.
In hindsight, I realized I was worried about things that would work themselves out so easily...like my heart expanding to definitely love another baby as much as my first...and I didn't think so much about the things that were actually going to be hard. Like the reality of juggling a toddler and a baby. I could've never predicted it though, so it's just something experience has to teach you.
The Adjustment: my time.
I wasn't exactly expecting how much of my time would be torn between the baby and my toddler, especially at first. I remember seeing someone carry my toddler down the hall while he just looked so sadly over their shoulder at me as I sat in bed with the new baby. It was the first time I felt apart from him. It'd been me and him for the last two years, and now I had this new baby in my lap who needed me constantly.
I know they say to babywear your baby and magic and glitter will fall from the sky, but it just didn't work out like that most of the time for us. My second baby never was fond of carriers (I know, right?! How is that possible?) and also....I was really exhausted. My boys weren't on the same nap schedule and the baby woke up all night; I was on auto-pilot for several months, just going through the motions. Did I mention I was tandem nursing them? Yeah I felt like that's all I did was breastfeed someone every minute of the day.
Looking back, if I could give myself any advice now, it would've been to definitely take the time as often as possible to hand the baby to someone else (or during the baby's nap) and give my attention fully to my older child. That sounds so easy to do in theory, but when you're exhausted and you feel like the mess in your house is caving in around you (our house was cray for like the first year) and you just want to sit in peace for a few seconds before the baby wakes up again, getting up to go play with a toddler makes you want to have your own mini tantrum. But do it, even if it's just for 10 minutes. It makes all the difference in the world.
The Adjustment: my heart.
Like I mentioned earlier, I was worried about not loving this baby as much as my first. Little did I know, my real problem would be loving this baby just as much and feeling guilty of my older child seeing that. It almost felt like I was cheating! I would find myself cooing at the baby and notice my toddler watching us. It broke my heart!
It's especially hard at first because the baby isn't very interactive and can't play with the older child, therefore it's difficult for the toddler to see the baby as anything more than this blob that takes up your attention and steals your admiration. I combated this with giving my toddler as much attention and love as I could, and I didn't shy away from showing love to the baby. I wanted him to see that. I started referring to them as "my babies" and I always said "your brother". I wanted my toddler to feel like him and the baby were on the same team.
Two years later
My boys are super close, they play so much together and my oldest one likes to say all of our names and then say "we're a family". Anytime they aren't together, they legit freak out; they don't like to be separated. As for me...I get way more down time thanks to how much they play. I can love on either of them without the other one getting jealous or without feeling like I'm cheating on someone! All of the craziness of the first year - the messy house, the endless hours of breastfeeding, the constant demands of a small baby...they've all but almost faded from my memory!
Not to say that the first year was a total nightmare, it just had it's fair share of hard and challenging moments. And the exhaustion. Oh the exhaustion. Also fading. So my conclusion - it's demanding, draining, and difficult at times...but so rewarding. It's this maze that you will wander through and figure out on your own. And when you get to the clearing, you'll think "Ah, this is so nice! I'm so glad I have my babies and that we found our way!" Or something like that. What I'm trying to say is: you will figure it all out, you will survive, and you won't regret this journey.
Jessica Dimas is the author of the book "Sacred Self-Care for the Highly Sensitive Mom." Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to stay updated with future posts.
Mrs. AOK
Oh, I remember that time leading up to my second child. I was filled with all the same emotions. I remember starting to go down that rabbit hole once again when I was pregnant with my third child. Thankfully, somehow even with pregnancy brain, I remembered there would be enough love to go around and everything would be OKAY.
XOXO
Jessica Dimas
Yes, I can imagine that when you're pregnant with your third that you don't worry about these things like not loving them all the same, etc! It'd be less stressful in that way for sure!
Tiffany-A Touch of Grace
Love Chelsea! Headed over to read now. 🙂
Alycia
Great post!! Left my comment over there 😉
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom
This was such a lovely post and I identified with so much that you shared.
I was so worried I wouldn't have enough room to love 2 kids. I worried that I would favor one over the other, I worried that I wouldn't be able to share myself.
I was so wrong. A mother's love expands... just like the heart expands and the lungs expand. We're built to love.
Thanks so much for sharing.
I left my comment here because Chelsea's commenting system seems to be wonky and I wanted you to know that I did read, identified with, and loved this post.
xoxo
Jessica Dimas
Thank you for commenting over here!!! Yes, you said it perfectly, just like our lungs and hearts expand, so does our love. Unfortunately your sanity shrinks lol, but it's okay!
Valerie | bubbles and gold
I'm skipping on over to read the article, but i wanted to thank you in advance for writing it. This is such a big fear of mine, like a nightmare ridden fear. How can you love your second child just as much as your first? How do you juggle? I just don't get it. Experience, I get that.
Jessica Dimas
You will easily love the second baby just as much (you can't fathom it now but you will!) and the juggling IS hard, but you will get a rhythm!!
Marie
I had my second child 4 months ago. I went through the same exact feeling of guilt for my son not having my full attention and it just being the two of us and how would I love them both, the same. But it happened. And I tried my hardest to make sure my son got just as much attention as possible from me and anyone else willing to help (still willing to help). And even though my son never really was super jealous of his sister, he started referring to her, on his own, as his baby. She's not mine, not Daddy's, she's HIS. And I just love that 🙂
Jessica Dimas
Awww that is SO sweet!!! I love it. It is really hard at the beginning balancing everything but I love the bond the siblings develop, it makes it all worth it 🙂
Kali
♥️ Thanks for this
I have to ask, what’s the age gap between your boys?
Jessica Dimas
Two years exactly!
Gisela
Thank you so much for share your experience I feel overwhelmed be a use I used to be so close with my first baby and she us jealous at this time from her little brother, I'm trying to spend lot of time with her but I'm by myself my husband works a lot and I have no family that can help me so I'm sorry I don't want she feels I do t love her as I used to do it. I feel sad for that I hope everything get better later.
Thank you
Hannah
I'm 12 weeks pregnant with my second baby and my LB is still so little at 14 months, and the guilt is overwhelming! I'm so scared and just panicked that he'll suffer but your post gives me hope that it will all be okay in the end ... There's just an adjustment period. I'll definitely be referring to it as "His baby" and "Your brother or sister" as I love that idea. Thank you