This past weekend was our wedding anniversary and I've been a bit reflective. I've learned a lot of lessons in my short, 12 years of marriage. The usuals...like not saying the "D" word, accepting that my husband doesn't always flush the toilet, and that throwing wooden spoons at walls while cooking makes more work for me than trying to prove how mad I was. But there are a few important lessons I've learned (mostly the hard way) that have truly helped save my marriage countless times.
1. Marriage is a cycle
There will be good times, and there will be bad times. Ups and downs. Hills and valleys. Don't think that when you're trudging through a valley, your marriage wasn't meant to be or that you two don't have what it takes to make it work. Hard times are normal! I've learned that these are the times I grew to know my husband on a deeper level. I learned valuable lessons when things weren't going good for us. See it as a time to learn and grow and know that things will get better again. No marriage stays awesome 24/7.
"The couples that are 'meant to be' are the ones who go through everything that is meant to tear them apart and come out even stronger than before." - unknown
2. You'll have horrible thoughts
There have been many times that my husband made my blood boil and all I could think were things like "I can't be with him", "I must've been wrong about the kind of guy he was", "I wish I could just leave". Just because you think these thoughts does not mean your marriage is doomed or wasn't meant to be. It's normal to get extremely upset and have these kinds of thoughts flash into your mind. Just don't dwell there.
"A strong marriage requires loving your spouse even in those moments when they aren't being lovable; it means believing in them even when they struggle to believe in themselves." - Dave Willis
3. Marriage takes work, especially after kids
Throughout the years, I've noticed the times my husband and I grew most distant were the times when we weren't putting each other as a first priority. Like a flower needs water, a marriage needs attention. It starts to wilt when the two partners don't take time to focus on one another. This is easier in the first few years when you're still riding that "love high", but several years down the road or after you've got very young children to take care of, it can become real work. At times since having kids, my husband and I have felt like nothing more than roommates who give a passing "hello" and "goodbye" every day. Our marriage suffered because of this. For us, making time for each other every night, even just to watch a show, helped us to start to reconnect. Doing things we used to do before kids, like play-wrestle each other and go on dates were also things we started doing again, and it helped so much! It's the little things after you have kids that help you stay connected to your spouse.
"The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's greener where you water it." - unknown
4. You WILL mess up
And your spouse WILL mess up. Forgive, forgive, forgive. And then forgive again. Don't hold grudges, don't bring up their past mistakes (especially after they've apologized and you've forgiven them), don't dwell in the past, and don't expect your spouse to be a fairytale prince/princess. That's not reality so let it go before it destroys your marriage. Humans make mistakes and that's how they learn to do better. No marriage is perfect behind closed doors; everyone has their issues and your marriage is no different. When you accept that they are flawed and you are flawed, you can drop all of the unrealistic expectations on both of your parts.
5. Don't be joined at the hip
I think at first in our marriage, I just didn't really get the memo that we could have different hobbies and time for ourselves. And then when I realized that having time to myself and doing the things I've always loved totally recharged me and brought to life within me the person he fell in love with, I saw how beneficial it is to do some things apart from one another. Let your spouse keep their friends and family...don't hog them. You're not the only person who loves them. And even though you're married, you're still two individuals who have some different interests; it's okay to still "do you" after you're married!
6. Don't assume you know what they're thinking
Ohhh man, this one has probably been my biggest downfall. And it's only taken a million times of being proven wrong to finally get into my head that, *gasp* I don't know what my husband is thinking!! Yes, I'm actually not a mind reader, even though all these years I could've sworn on it. Every single time I've been certain my husband was thinking something negative, turns out he wasn't. I pegged him for guilty hundreds of times without concrete proof, just on my "sixth sense" and my social awareness "skills". My best piece of advice - just ask them. Don't make up all kinds of elaborate scenarios in your head about what could possibly be going on, what he really meant by that comment, etc. Just ask. Explain the way they've made you feel and let them let you know what they really meant/said/did/didn't do/etc. 9 times out of 10 you're going to be wrong. Assume the best of your partner.
7. Respect him, cherish her
I know this is has been written everywhere under the sun, but truly, I've realized this to be true for our marriage. My husband wants to feel respected and I want to feel cherished. Here are the definitions:
respect: esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person. Aka, he wants you to see and appreciate what he does for you and your family. He wants to be treated as if you think something of him.
cherish: to hold or treat as dear; feel love for. Aka, she wants to feel loved and special in your eyes. She wants you to see what she does for you and your family and for you to appreciate and admire her for it.
After writing that out, it's pretty obvious we both just want to be acknowledged and loved. Hard to do sometimes in the daily grind of marriage, but really our core needs are very basic.
8. See the good
This is the best lesson I've learned so far in marriage and it seems way too simple and trivial to actually work, but it does. When you're going through a rough patch in your marriage and you and your spouse just can't seem to connect, what you do is (every day) take note of all the things they do that you love. Either mentally or on paper. Think of at least 10 good qualities about your spouse every day. Even if it's things like "he took the trash out", and hold back any bitter thoughts like (even though I take it out every other time). Just focus on the good. 10 things a day. Every time I've done this, my heart started to soften and I started becoming grateful for my husband. And once they feel your positive and loving vibes towards them, they'll also soften.
What you look for, you get. Look for the good, and you'll get it. Look for the bad, and you'll get that too, but no one wants bad, so why do that to yourself and your marriage? Remember #4 and just let it go. Marriage doesn't thrive well in a bitter, negative environment. Love all of the good things in your spouse and your marriage, and you will see a difference, that I can promise you!
What's the best piece of marriage advice you've been given or have learned through experience?
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom
Wonderful post Jessica and I agree with all your points. I especially appreciate the point that just because you think it, doesn't mean it's so. We could apply that to thinking in every single area of our lives. Often our inner voice can be misleading if not kept in check.
Marriage is hard but it's wonderful and so worth it.
Thanks for sharing.
xoxo
Jessica Dimas
Yes Jennifer! We definitely could. I need to do that in every area, like you said. I assume WAY too much and usually not good. Which is BAD! Thank you for your comment xo
Angelica
Congrats on your 12 years of marriage. We just celebrated 6 years and I can attest to all of these lessons as well. Number 3 rings so true! Marriage after kids can become a grind but if you're able to look at the big picture, you can really appreciate each other. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Jessica Dimas
Thank you Angelica! I love the way you stated that, looking at the big picture, SO true! Happy 6 years to you guys!! Thank you for your comment xo
Chelsea
I love the ten good things a day idea! The other day I was feeling pretty down and I asked my husband to tell me why he loved me and then I told him why I loved him. It made a huge difference, and it helped remind me that we aren't just roommates like you said in #3. Also, I am definitely trying to focus on putting work into our marriage and making it better. These are awesome tips!
Jessica Dimas
Aw I love that Chelsea!! Such a great thing to do! I'm glad that you guys have moved closer to family so it'll start being a little easier for you guys to focus on each other for date nights and such!
Tamara
I think probably the best tip is that it does take work. It's hard to understand that when you're a starry-eyed teenager or twenty-something. At least, I didn't. I think treating it as its own entity is so key - with love and care and date nights and affection and appreciation. These kids are a whirlwind but as fast as they come into our lives, they will one day move out. (sob) And then you'll want to recognize the person who is now the only member of your family you live with. (sob)
**Although Scarlet does insist that she'll never leave home. (I think she probably will)
Jessica Dimas
Yes! I always think about that. One day (sooner than I realize) it will be me and him again and that relationship probably won't look so great if I've ignored it for 20 years!
**Piggie says when he grows up he's actually going to marry ME, so...we have some bigger fish to fry.
Rebecca
I wish my husband didn't think he knew what I was thinking all the time. It's definitely his habit that peeves me the most. I'm hitting the 10 year marriage anniversary later this month- so trust that I mean it when I say, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!! That shit takes work! And it's soo worth it. <3!
Jessica Dimas
LOL it's the opposite for you guys. Oh my gosh I didn't know you guys have been married that long! Although now I'm remembering that you got married at 19 too, right? I always assume me and Luis were the only crazies to get married super young. Thank you so much, and you are speaking the truth, it takes so much work! Definitely worth it at the end of the day 🙂
Rebecca
Yes! I was 19- he was 20. OMG WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING JESSICA?! I mean, it all worked out- but really, it could've gone either way lol
Monica
All of these lessons are so true. Unfortunately, I'm only still learning number 5 & 6. I always think I know what he's saying. He tells me all the time that I'm wrong and he wasn't thinking the negative thoughts I accuse him of thinking! Hopefully, this post will push me in the right direction... towards learning to knock that off! <3
Jessica Dimas
Hahaha me too Monica. That's probably my husband's biggest pet peeve about me. It's like my natural default to automatically assume what he's thinking or what he meant by a certain comment, etc. I'm trying to learn to knock it off too 🙂
Tiffany
This was nice to be reminded of. Apr 17 makes 5 yrs of marriage for me. I liked how you spoke about being joined at the hip. It took me awhile to realize going out to have lunch or take a class with my own friends made me more interesting to my husband like when we first met. It also took me a few years to realize my spouse watches my actions more than he hears my words. I use to try to love him in the way I need but now I see how his whole demeanor changes when I give him respect. I still forget that one but I've learned to apologize when I know I've been disrespectful, the same way he does when he's been unloving. I recently got really good marriage advice. I was told to do some sort of couple retreat every few years. I haven't done it yet but when we start to have children it seems like it might be really important:)
Jessica Dimas
Happy Anniversary to you guys! I think that's really awesome that you guys are only 5 years in and already realize what the other one really needs. I was 19 when we got married so I think I was pretty clueless for several years. Things didn't start to click for me until I was past the age of 25. I also love that advice you received, a couple's retreat probably does WONDERS for relationships! Thank you for commenting and sharing that piece of advice you were given.
Tiffany
Wow, happy anniversary my dear! 12 years isn't short these days, let's be honest. Especially for two people who were married so young. You should feel pretty accomplished already.
I love all the points you made. It is especially so hard to put each other first with little ones. I find that the hubs and I will go days without really connecting, and I hate that. It turns small things into big issues and makes us unhappy and at times resentful. Your spouse should be #1.
Great post my dear!
Jessica Dimas
Yes, you stated that perfectly. Whenever we go several days/weeks without connecting, it seems to turn small things into big issues. And thank you Tiffany! xo
Tawnya
I thought I already commented on this one, but I guess I didn't haha! I LOVE this post and agree with all of your points. Sometimes marriage is just plain hard and it's hard to see past the low times, remembering that I vowed to spend my life with my husband is not something I take lightly though and we've had to work through a lot of ups and downs in only (almost) 4 years of marriage.... So 12 years is HUGE! Congratulations! XO
Jessica Dimas
Thanks Tawnya! 4 years is a long time too, every year that we've been married I've felt like it was a long time LOL.
Kristy
I so needed to read this today. Thanks, girl! Your words mean so much!
Jessica Dimas
Thanks Kristy xo
Alycia
Another fabulous post, my friend!! I love every. Single. Point! After 4+ years of marriage and nearly 11 years together, I am now just learning some of these things. Marriage is hard work, but the commitment made to one another and the love and good times always outweigh the hard times. It's not always easy, but there isn't anyone else I'd rather be going through life with!!!
Jessica Dimas
It really is, but like you said it's so worth it!
Kelli {A Deeper Joy}
Jessica, this is my favorite post I've read in a long time. Thank you. I needed to read this. Every point resonated with me even though we've only been married for a year and a half. I don't feel like we're still on the "love high", yet people expect us to be. Maybe it's because we're older or maybe it's just the process we went through to end up together...who knows. But I needed this encouragement. I'm not the only one that thinks those things at times :-p
Jessica Dimas
You know what Kelli, when I wrote that sentence about the love high in the first few years, I paused because it wasn't like that for us either, but I left it because I felt like it probably was for other people. So since you said that, I'm going to omit that part because obviously the "love high" doesn't last as long as everyone has you believe. It's hard from the beginning. I'm so glad you liked this post though and found some encouragement xo
Seth
Great job..
Except
6. Don't assume you know what they're thinking.
You let your fears decide your judgement..
Me and my wife are going on 17 years and like my mother i can read my spouse like a book with what i would say is a 99% accuracy...
Of course i use it to lay pranks on her...
This was a great article....and great read too...
Thanks.
Jessica Dimas
You're totally right 🙂 I will for sure assume my husband meant something he didn't only because of my own insecurities, which he has always said is the reason since the day we got married, ha! Thanks for your comment.
Shawn
Great article and great insight. We are coming up on 19 years next month and I can say that there is truth in all 8 lessons you discussed.
I wish we would have started at year 0 reading and learning about what it means to be a spouse- every bit of good advice like yours has the ability to help husbands and wives sidestep common (sometimes deal-breaking) mistakes. Don't worry that you'll miss out on mistakes- new ones lurk around every corner!
Read up together and discuss your feelings!!
Happy anniversary!
Jessica Dimas
Wow, 19 years. The one good thing about making the mistakes, even the ones that bring you close to deal-breaking, are the lessons that you learn. I've gain so many insights from those moments that I'm not sure I would've gained otherwise. But yes, I sure do wish I could've started out with some of this knowledge that only one can gain after years of marriage 🙂 Thank you so much for your comment and happy anniversary to you too!
Carl Wilke
First, congrats on 12 years of marriage! Been married 22+ years here with six kids and I can affirm that you're spot on with these points. Forgiveness and recognizing the good in your spouse are my favorites. Great post. I'm sharing this in the hope that my friends will read this and take it to heart.
Jessica Dimas
Thank you so much Carl and wow, 22 years and 6 kids, that's a true accomplishment (ongoing, I would guess!) and so admirable. Also I'm flattered that you think my points are spot on since you've been married nearly twice as long and have 3x the amount of kiddos that I do, that means I'm headed in the right direction! Thank you so much for your comment.
Jaclyn
This is absolutely wonderful. I definitely love the first one. We get so caught up in thinking that we'll have a fairy tale every day after our wedding that we forget that our friendships and even family relationships have all had their worst days and their wonderful days.
Jessica Dimas
So true, I love how you put that Jaclyn!! Our other relationships have their super hard days too, why would we expect any different from our marriages?!
Valerie
I saw this on the Huffington Post yesterday and thought it was brilliant. I was like, "hey this is by Jessica!" I love number 8. I should really put that into play.
My number one lesson in making a marriage work is COMMUNICATION. Hands down. I find when we don't communicate, we fall apart. After we take care of business and talk to each other, our relationship gets like 150% better.
Jessica Dimas
Thank you so much Valerie!! And yes, I totally agree, communication is everything! It's always like a breath of fresh air after we communicate and just say everything we've been feeling.
Ruth
Hubby and I work with two core values. Love and honesty. Seems to work pretty well so far. Still plenty of disagreements, frustration, tears and tiredness. But if we choose our words and actions to be loving and honest we recover pretty well.
Jessica Dimas
Love that, Ruth. Love and honesty are truly core values that every marriage needs!! We still have plenty of disagreements, frustration, tears and tiredness over here too, it's normal...but like you said, you can recover pretty well when you communicate well and keep love and honesty at the core. Thank you for your awesome comment!