Sometimes…us mommies lose our shit. Here’s 7 signs you’ve gone too far.
1. You hit the wine/nutella/cookies before noon. These things are acceptable after noon, but not before. It shows you’re obviously losing it before lunchtime, go to timeout.
2. You’re bipolar before noon. Again, this is acceptable and perfectly understandable after you’ve been going for at least 5 hours with small children, but not first thing in the morning. What is bipolar mommy behavior, you ask? Screaming “STOP ASKING ME FOR BREAKFAST!!!” and then realizing what an out-of-control jerk you are and calmly asking “Would you prefer pancakes or eggs, sweetie?” I saw that, go to timeout.
3. You use the phrase “cool story bro” when your child is whining to you. Yes, I know that persistent whining makes you want to gorge your eyeballs out with a dull fork, but it’s not appropriate to respond to your preschooler in this manner. It’s very immature, actually. Go to timeout.
4. You try to pawn your parental duties off on your oldest child. Especially if said oldest child is under 5 years old themselves. For example, your toddler wants you to read a book to them and you say “Hey look! Big brother can show this book to you!” so that you can continue staring into your phone. Not okay. Go to timeout, and don’t even try to take your phone with you.
5. You mock your child. This usually happens when they’ve been whining over something for what feels like 20 years and it compels you to lose all maturity. “Waaah, he has my tooooy!” What are you, 10? Go to timeout.
6. You threaten with lies. When you threaten something that’s not real, like “If you don’t stop screaming, the neighbors are going to call the police and then they’ll take you away from me.” Even if that is your true concern because your three year old has been screaming for almost an hour as if someone cut their leg off, you can’t say this to a child. You just can’t. Go to timeout.
7. You speak your real thoughts out loud. Your child expresses that they would rather have daddy instead of you and tells you to “go away mommy!” You respond by loudly muttering “I wish I could.” The only place you’re going is to timeout.
And before you think that timeout is some nice, quiet, relaxing space away from the demands of small children, it’s actually the laundry room where you have tons of unfolded laundry that you should’ve put away weeks ago!
Just kidding, I would never do that to us. Mommy timeout should be a dark, sound proof closet, filled with an assortment of mommy coping substances, like Nutella or wine. Definitely a small sleeping cot. There should be a big “pause” button on the wall, so that you can pause life, specifically your little ones so they’re safe and you can just take a quick 10 hour nap. Also some buttons for “make dinner” and “finish bath time”, cause that’s the roughest time of the day, amiright? Sigh…can you imagine what a wonderful world it would be if mommies could do this?!
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This had me laughing way too much!!! Threatening with lies is my go-to freak out…oops lol!
Hahaha I’m glad I’m not the only one who does that lol
You inspire me to write better. I love your post! I’ve done everything on this list. Thanks for making me feel normal… LOL. I will put myself in timeout.
🙂
You are so sweet, thank you!! And we can put ourselves in timeout together lol
Hahaha, I have two teen girls….. So guilty of doing a few of these with the teens!!!!! I have no problem taking the time out, the laundry doesn’t answer back 😉
Thanks for the laugh.
xoxoxo
Hahaha dang with two teen girls I would definitely be doing a few of these too lol. Yeah I needed to change the laundry thing to something like the kids are allowed to continue harassing you!
LOL – loved this.
Even though it’s reprimanded and results in a time out, I’m totally stealing this line:
“Cool story bro.” Tears.
Okay I’m normal. I used to think my 9:00 am bi-polar moments were in need of serious meds.
Thanks for the laughs.
xoxo
I loved this post. I even posted it on my Facebook page today!
You did?!?! Thank you so much!! And I’m so glad you liked it, I was worried you as my parenting guru would be ashamed of me lol
Me?! Ashamed of you?! Ahem… I’m regularly bipolar before noon and the Nutella is under lock and key *wink*.
LOL that actually made me laugh out loud, and allowed me have a sigh of relief!!
I definitely earned myself a time out on our last flight with the kids!! Something like “If you don’t put your seatbelt on they’ll throw you out into the sky!”….funnily enough I have a basket of laundry staring me in the face right now….
HAHAHAHA I told my husband about this and we laughed so hard cause that’s the kind of effed up stuff we’ll tell our kids when we’re desperate for them to do something lol, love it.
Lol! "What are you 10?!" HAHAHAHAHA! Awesome post girl. Oh those last 2 though….those hit close to home. I am totally guilty of doing those. I don't so much threaten with lies as I do just….lie, haha! "I promise I'll be napping right next door," aka downstairs cramming a show in or on the computer blogging. 🙂
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LOLOLOL yeah I’m totally guilty of just straight up lying on a daily basis. I consider them white lies; not harmful to their wellbeing so it’s okay lol.
Uh oh, I think I'll be one of those mommies that always needs to be in time out when my baby gets to that stage heh.
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LOL well you’ll be in good company 🙂
I have a problem with speaking out loud things I shouldn't, to and around my toddler. I some times talk to her like she is an adult, & that is def something I am working on. Time out for this mama!
Lol yeah I know what you mean. I definitely do the same to my boys too often, I’ll join you in time out!
Nice to know that I am not the only one! & Come on time out will be for the cool mamas. Ha!
HAHA! This post had me laughing 🙂 The whining really does make me want to jab my eyes out with a fork… seriously, it’s the worst. Yesterday (when our dog got out of the back yard and was lost) I was trying to post photo’s on local Facebook groups/simultaneously stressed the eff out because our dog was missing and meanwhile little miss whiney pants was at my feet whining her had off…. I needed a mommy time out right then. I think folding laundry would have been a solace 😉
Oh my goshhhhh I seriously know that feeling!! They seem to know EXACTLY when something stressful or serious is going on that needs your full attention and that’s when they turn on the whining. Folding laundry is definitely a solace from a whiney toddler lol.
LOL!! So very true and funny!!! Thank God for COFFEE and blogging = release!! This post made me smile. 😉 xo
Lol amen to that!!
I LOVE THIS! You have it perfectly!!! From the whining toddler and wanting to jab your eyes out to the mocking of your child!! You have it spot on! And the laundry! 🙂 HAHA! If only you knew what my laundry room looked like…definite time out place!!
Hahahaha thank you! I’m glad other moms can relate, I was seriously scared to publish this and outing myself as a psycho mom lol.
OK well I obviously need to be put on time-out various times a day!! My kids drive me insane, especially when all three are together!!
Hahahaha I’ll keep you company lol
This is so TRUE! Mommies deserve a timeout for bad (aka burnt out) behavior too. can the time out be a pedicure though? That’s much more likely to make me return to the war zone refreshed than laundry !
Hahaha yes!! I do agree with that, a pedicure timeout would send us all back much happier 🙂
I’m loving catching up right now!
Umm.. I’m guilty of mocking my whining kids at times. And I’m guilty of pawning chores onto Scarlet. I even asked her to get Des dressed once. She did half a good job. Half.
And I.. often eat cookies before noon. And chocolate.
But not wine!
Hahahaha I was embarrassed to admit I mock my children whining. They seriously make me lose my mind sometimes!
I am basically giving myself timeouts daily…sometimes hourly if it’s a particularly rough one. lol I’m guilty of all of the above- and definitely dodging unfolded clean clothes every chance I get. Why is folding such a miserable experience???
Bahahaha. I should live in timeout. And folding is HORRID, so depressing. Especially with little ones and their thousands of tiny clothes.