When I had my first baby, I was introduced to the world of MOM FRIENDS. Friends who have a little one the same age as yours who can meet up for playdates and talk in depth with you about sleep and poop matters. I’m an awkward introvert, and even I can make long, easy conversation with another mom if she has a child in the general age frame as mine. I used to take Piggie out so much more when it was just me and him, but once I added a second child and had to deal with things like multiple naps, less sleep, and drastically lowered sanity, I have become much more selective of who I befriend. She has to be worth the struggle of getting out of the house in the morning with two small children. I don’t ask for much, which is why there are only 6 qualities I consider a must if we are going to jump into mom-friend bed together. These are the questions I ask myself:
1. Can you lose your mom shit in front of her?
First and most importantly, this question needs to be asked, especially if you have toddlers or preschoolers where shit-losing can be an every day occurence. I’m not talking a little sweet reprimand to your child. I mean can you make a loud, exasperated sigh and say “Are you KIDDING me right now?!” while looking completely irritated that your child is once again whining on the ground at your feet? A good mom friend will non-judgingly make herself busy for a minute and then resume conversation like nothing ever happened. An EVEN BETTER mom friend will walk over and hand your kid a sucker. That happened recently, true story.
2. Does she lose her mom shit in front of you?
Also important that she loses her shit in front of you too. If she doesn’t, this is bad for two reasons. One, she is fake and ain’t no one got time for that. Or two, she is too perfect of a mom and you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
3. Does she get mad when you cancel?
Are you comfortable canceling a meet up with her? Or do you feel you’ll piss her off and start drama? I had a mom friend once that went super drama queen on me because I had two crying kids when I called her to reschedule. That was the last time I ever had to cancel on her because she got the BOOT! As moms, we should all respect the fact that children are unpredictable and thus, moms have a life-long pass to cancel plans if they need to. Even if their kid is like, 30 years old. You have no idea if her kid called her that morning and let her know they’re sitting in jail somewhere. MOM FRIENDS LET OTHER MOM FRIENDS CANCEL.
4. Is she usually late?
This is actually a good trait in the mom world. Usually, no matter how hard I try, we will be at least a few minutes late anywhere we go. Piggie has to poop while we’re driving down the road or Dacky woke me up seven times the night before and I HAVE to sit in the long Starbucks line for a coffee if I’m to function as a human being in public. If your mom friend is also usually late, it helps take the stress off of trying to get out the door with small kids. Mom friends who are always a little late are keepers in my book!
5. Does she have a parenting theory?
We all have a few core beliefs about how we want to raise our kids. Parenting THEORIES on the other hand, where moms make out like there is a damn guidebook that fits all moms and all children, is someone you want to avoid like the plague. The only moms who are excused from this behavior are first time moms with kids under three years old. The preschooler demons have not shat on their parenting aspirations yet. These moms and their theories are cute and can remain as Facebook friends where everyone is fake anyway, only eligible to move into the IRL friendship realm once they either have a second kid or their precious toddler turns into
the exorcist a preschooler, in which she then needs to cry on your shoulder and have a drink at your 10 AM playdate.
When my kid is having a meltdown in front of my mom friend, I need to be able to do #1 and access multiple parenting tactics until one of them works without feeling her sanctimommy eyes burning a hole into my weary, tired, desperate back.
6. Can you be completely real in front of her?
Most importantly, can you be 100% yourself? It’s a glorious moment that happens in any friendship when you feel the walls come down. All fake politeness stops. You don’t feel the need to have your house looking perfect before she comes over and you can talk about personal, real things while your kids destruct said house together. She doesn’t care that you cuss, you don’t care that she doesn’t cuss. The tired, old debates like breastfeeding vs formula don’t affect the two of you. You could breastfeed your 2 year old in front of her while she gives her newborn a bottle and neither of you would blink an eye. That’s mom friend heaven right there, don’t let her go if you find her!
So what am I missing, what you are your must-haves for a mom friend?