When I had my first baby, I was introduced to the world of MOM FRIENDS. Friends who have a little one the same age as yours who can meet up for playdates and talk in depth with you about sleep and poop matters. I'm an awkward introvert, and even I can make long, easy conversation with another mom if she has a child in the general age frame as mine. I used to take Piggie out so much more when it was just me and him, but once I added a second child and had to deal with things like multiple naps, less sleep, and drastically lowered sanity, I have become much more selective of who I befriend. She has to be worth the struggle of getting out of the house in the morning with two small children. I don't ask for much, which is why there are only 6 qualities I consider a must if we are going to jump into mom-friend bed together. These are the questions I ask myself:
1. Can you lose your mom shit in front of her?
First and most importantly, this question needs to be asked, especially if you have toddlers or preschoolers where shit-losing can be an every day occurence. I'm not talking a little sweet reprimand to your child. I mean can you make a loud, exasperated sigh and say "Are you KIDDING me right now?!" while looking completely irritated that your child is once again whining on the ground at your feet? A good mom friend will non-judgingly make herself busy for a minute and then resume conversation like nothing ever happened. An EVEN BETTER mom friend will walk over and hand your kid a sucker. That happened recently, true story.
2. Does she lose her mom shit in front of you?
Also important that she loses her shit in front of you too. If she doesn't, this is bad for two reasons. One, she is fake and ain't no one got time for that. Or two, she is too perfect of a mom and you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
3. Does she get mad when you cancel?
Are you comfortable canceling a meet up with her? Or do you feel you'll piss her off and start drama? I had a mom friend once that went super drama queen on me because I had two crying kids when I called her to reschedule. That was the last time I ever had to cancel on her because she got the BOOT! As moms, we should all respect the fact that children are unpredictable and thus, moms have a life-long pass to cancel plans if they need to. Even if their kid is like, 30 years old. You have no idea if her kid called her that morning and let her know they're sitting in jail somewhere. MOM FRIENDS LET OTHER MOM FRIENDS CANCEL.
4. Is she usually late?
This is actually a good trait in the mom world. Usually, no matter how hard I try, we will be at least a few minutes late anywhere we go. Piggie has to poop while we're driving down the road or Dacky woke me up seven times the night before and I HAVE to sit in the long Starbucks line for a coffee if I'm to function as a human being in public. If your mom friend is also usually late, it helps take the stress off of trying to get out the door with small kids. Mom friends who are always a little late are keepers in my book!
5. Does she have a parenting theory?
We all have a few core beliefs about how we want to raise our kids. Parenting THEORIES on the other hand, where moms make out like there is a damn guidebook that fits all moms and all children, is someone you want to avoid like the plague. The only moms who are excused from this behavior are first time moms with kids under three years old. The preschooler demons have not shat on their parenting aspirations yet. These moms and their theories are cute and can remain as Facebook friends where everyone is fake anyway, only eligible to move into the IRL friendship realm once they either have a second kid or their precious toddler turns into
the exorcist a preschooler, in which she then needs to cry on your shoulder and have a drink at your 10 AM playdate.
When my kid is having a meltdown in front of my mom friend, I need to be able to do #1 and access multiple parenting tactics until one of them works without feeling her sanctimommy eyes burning a hole into my weary, tired, desperate back.
6. Can you be completely real in front of her?
Most importantly, can you be 100% yourself? It's a glorious moment that happens in any friendship when you feel the walls come down. All fake politeness stops. You don't feel the need to have your house looking perfect before she comes over and you can talk about personal, real things while your kids destruct said house together. She doesn't care that you cuss, you don't care that she doesn't cuss. The tired, old debates like breastfeeding vs formula don't affect the two of you. You could breastfeed your 2 year old in front of her while she gives her newborn a bottle and neither of you would blink an eye. That's mom friend heaven right there, don't let her go if you find her!
So what am I missing, what you are your must-haves for a mom friend?
Jessica Dimas is the author of the book "Sacred Self-Care for the Highly Sensitive Mom." Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to stay updated with future posts.
YES YES YES YES YES!!! A million times, YES! This is amazing and I love every word of it. These are the people I want in my life. The REAL mom friends! I have a handful of these and I love them! I lose my mom shit all the time, more than I like to care to admit, but my mom friends have certainly seen it and we are still friends. That's a win in my books!
I find it endearing and a bonding moment when a friend loses her mom shit in front of me, haha! Definitely a win in my book too!! And yes, I totally know we'd be amazing IRL mom friends, it's why I love to stalk your Snapchat 🙂
I should add, we would be perfect mom friends IRL!
Chelsea @ Life With My Littles
Hahaha oh man, I love this! I agree! It's hard to awkwardly make conversation with someone to try and see if you can become friends at the park. Let alone try and find someone who you are actually going to get along with! I agree with all of these! Especially the parenting theory one. If someone is going to try and tell me how to raise my kids, I'm out!
Yesssssss....I cannot STAND for someone to think THEIR theory is something that would work for me or that I'd even be interested in hearing! Like, no.
Giving a standing ovation for this one! Love it!!! And yes, we'd be great IRL friends. Did you see on Snapchat the other day when I wore my slippers to go pick up C from school because I forgot to put my real shoes on? Baha! Now that is a mom-friend trait I'm looking for in others. Hahaha.
Bahahaha I loved that photo, so awesome. I definitely would consider that a turn on when looking for a good mom-friend lol!
Love this! It makes me sad because I'm 6 years into this mom thing and have yet to find more than one or two good ones. It must be me 🙂 I just love and appreciate how you put into words/writing how I am feeling.
It's not easy making close mom friends, that's for sure!! Well I hope your mom-friend soulmate comes along soon, she's out there somewhere! 🙂 Thank you for your sweet comment.
Hmmm, I read this and was thinking - I don't know about this, but then I shrugged it off as the fact that I have no mom friends. None.
Before having kids, I had three close friends. Three. With two of them, our kid's ages aren't in sync, and one doesn't have kids. So when we get together, it's usually without kids in tow.
I went to mom gatherings, salsa babies class, etc. just HOPING to make a mom friend but alas I never did. So I have no mom friends.
My oldest has some homeschooling friends, but we're never doing play dates or things of that nature. Maybe with more homeschool meetings/outings, I'll make more mommy friends? I have lots of acquaintances but not many friends. Okay, I feel like a complete loser now. lol
So then I looked at your list again and thought... crap, maybe Jessica would not want to be my friend IRL. I'm always on time but (I don't care if someone's late). I have parenting theories, but I'm also of the philosophy of - whatever works for you... you know your kid best. Judgemental parents are very off-putting for me so, I would expect the same.
I think most important to me would be genuine caring for each other and our little ones. If you dislike my kids, then most likely our relationship won't survive. When someone takes a genuine interest in my kids, it makes m feel like they have some interest in me as well. Does that make sense? I could be way off base though because after all, I have no mom friends. lol
Eeek, I think I need an introvert intervention.
Sorry for the novella.
I was actually going to put that in there, that you love each others' kids. I have been very lucky to find my close mom friends, went to many playdates and then just continued to meet up with them until a true friendship blossomed. I have a lot of acquaintences but I don't make close friends easily. Both of my close mom friends have been really good at continually inviting me out because I tend to just stay at home and not make any "first moves" otherwise. It's tough being an awkward introvert lol
I can't even say enough good things about this piece. I can't even pick a favourite point but the one that really resonated with me was #3. I've found myself really narrowing down my great friends by those who don't expect anything of me, I just feel like at this point in my life I can't do high maintenance. I have a family and (almost) two kids and I just need friends who get that. I have a good handful of friends who do and we can go months without seeing each other and pick up where we left off... it's great 🙂
Yessss...just like you said, at this point in life it's impossible to do high maintenance. I always love it when you can just pick up where you left off with a friend and there's no need for explanations!
Yes, I agree with all of these. I definitely have to be able to lose my shit in front of a true mom friend. This happens often so I need to know she will have my back. An awesome mom friend will even pour me a drink!
I would bear hug a mom who poured me a drink!!! She would definitely be a keeper! Yeah I have to have a mom friend that I can be my true mom self in front of, otherwise it's pointless if you can't fully relax in front of them.
Tiffany (A Touch of Grace)
It's taken me wayyyy to long to comment, even though I read it when you wrote it. Yes times 1000! Finding a mom friend who can just go with the flow and shrug things off. I'm not always on time now (but I do hate being late) and sometimes I have to cancel. My best mom friend is just so chill about it all I truly value her. Great post lady!
I do the same, I read my favorite blogs on my phone but hate commenting on my phone and then take forever (if I ever do) to comment on the post. I hate being late too, I get so stressed out over it. It really is priceless when you have a mom friend that doesn't get upset over things like that.