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Home » Parenting

What Real Love Looks Like - An Open Letter to My Husband

Published: Jan 27, 2014 · Modified: Feb 1, 2016 by Jessica Dimas · This post may contain affiliate links · 12 Comments

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Real love looks a little different when you're in the trenches of parenthood.
Dear Luis,

Recently, I haven’t been acting like myself, and I know you haven’t been acting like yourself. We’re tired. Exhausted. Strained. We’re happy, but we’re being pushed to our limits constantly.You have the weight of supporting a family of four on your shoulders now. You’re stressed. Worried. You come home and there are baths to give and babies to put to sleep. You’re woken up early by an alarm clock if you’re lucky, but usually earlier by a baby that won’t let his mommy sleep.

I’m home all day with two young children. I’m running on little sleep. My body doesn’t feel like it’s mine anymore. I watch the hours go by so slowly, while at the same time feel like I don’t have enough time to get anything done. I feel like a failure as a mother and a woman so many days. Why can’t I handle two kids and have dinner on the table when you get home? I worry that you might wonder the same thing.

I’m sorry for all the times I argue with you. I’m sorry for taking my anger out on you. For yelling and accusing. For assuming the worst in you.

In reality, I’m so thankful for you. For waking up early with the baby. For playing with our children every day. For helping me. For always respecting and supporting my parenting choices. For bending over backwards to give the world to your family.

I know I never mention this to you, but I often fall asleep thinking about the lingering hugs we steal in the hallway. Those hugs, when you pull me in tighter and hold on as if you’ve missed me, tell me that you’re still in love with me. You still want me. We’re still us even amidst this new sweet and chaotic phase of life.

It’s easy to feel like we used to be more in love before we had children. We went on dates, cuddled on the couch while watching our shows, wrote silly and heartfelt cards to each other, and fell asleep in each other’s arms. That’s love, but I think real love is where we are now. Choosing to continuously show up and sacrifice, to give each day everything we have, even if it isn’t much because we’re beyond exhausted.

 

It’s the unromantic but important things that we now do for each other that mean so much; giving your spouse an extra half hour to sleep while you get up with the kids, or giving the kids a bath so your partner can decompress for a few quiet minutes. Giving up our needs and wants for the babies we’ve made together. And holding each other up along the way. That’s real love.

 

I hear getting through these baby years can be tough. We may need to invest in a punching bag and lots of coffee, but I know we’ll make it. We’re not just a couple anymore; we’re family. You’re my family, my home in a crowded room, and I can’t imagine my life without you. So for every dirty diaper you change, every hour you put in at work, every time you get up in the middle of night...I’m going to remember that these are the romantic gestures right now. This is what real love looks like.

« This Time Last Year...
Facebook Status Recap: January 2014 »

About Jessica Dimas

Jessica is the author of the book "Sacred Self-Care for the Highly Sensitive Mom". She is a Huffington Post contributor and has been featured on sites such as Scary Mommy, FamilyShare, and BlogHer. She has a BA degree in psychology and lives in NC with her husband and two sons.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Ruth Meaney

    May 14, 2015 at 2:30 pm

    Hurray for having loving husbands! It's funny you mention a punching bag. I once told hubby it would be a great idea (particularly when my nursing aversion was at its worst). About a month later he came home with one he found in a charity shop! How good is the extra 30 minutes in bed or not having to do bath time. Means so much to tag team with each other.

    Reply
    • Jessica Dimas

      May 26, 2015 at 2:59 pm

      Oh man, nursing aversions are the WORST, I could've totally used a punching bag when I was going through those. And yes, the extra 30 minutes is EVERYTHING, it really does mean so much.

      Reply
  2. Angelina

    August 11, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    Such a beautiful reminder. "We’re not just a couple anymore; we’re family. You’re my family, my home in a crowded room, and I can’t imagine my life without you." Love.

    Reply
    • Jessica Dimas

      August 19, 2015 at 9:54 pm

      Thank you so much Angelina <3

      Reply
      • Sarah

        January 31, 2016 at 7:39 am

        I'm on my phone & can't see another way to comment so I'm replying. I had tears brimming through this entire letter. can I please copy this to give to my husband?? You perfectly articulated everything we are going through, experiencing, and feeling. Thank you for writing it how it is with the good and the bad included. You are real without the feeling of pessimism. Thank you a million times!

        Reply
        • Jessica Dimas

          February 01, 2016 at 7:05 pm

          Yes you can! And yes, I'm glad you could see that I wasn't being pessimistic, it's just a hard period to go through with little ones and feeling like you never have time for one another. Our sons are 3 and 5 now and it's getting so much easier with them both sleeping through the night and also playing together so much; it gets better! Thank you for your comment <3

          Reply
  3. Alycia L

    November 25, 2015 at 1:42 pm

    I absolutely love this!! Exactly how I feel about Mitchell too. Watching Mitch be a dad to our girls makes me fall more in love with him every day. I love the part about we aren't just a couple - we are a family and that means everything to me.

    I love your writing and I love the topics you come up with, because I swear, most of them seem exactly like my life!! XO

    Reply
    • Jessica Dimas

      December 07, 2015 at 9:20 pm

      Isn't that the best, when you watch them being a dad with your kids, it's just everything. Thanks for commenting Alycia!! 🙂

      Reply
  4. Carolina Brenes

    November 25, 2015 at 5:19 pm

    This made me cry a little...
    We are so blessed to have such amazing husbands and sometimes in the chaos of it all it's good to make a stop and take it all in.
    This made me want to tell my hubby how much I truly appreciate him. Thank you!

    Reply
    • Jessica Dimas

      December 07, 2015 at 9:17 pm

      Aw I know, we really are blessed with such great husbands. I need to re-read this when Luis makes me mad, haha!

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. 8 Lessons I’ve Learned In 12 Years Of Marriage by Jessica Dimas says:
    April 10, 2015 at 1:22 pm

    […] “goodbye” every day. (Alternatively, this is also the time you’ll find out what real love looks like).For us, making time for each other every night, even just to watch a show, helped us to start to […]

    Reply
  2. 7 Tips for Maintaining Inner Peace - Motherhood Edition says:
    November 8, 2015 at 7:23 pm

    […] day. Some days aren’t so great; we get in mom ruts, wake up on the wrong side of the bed, get in arguments with our partners, etc. Usually we’re tired (I think all moms with young children can agree on that). But there […]

    Reply

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Hi, I'm Jessica! I write about motherhood and self-care. I'm glad you're here.

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