Dacky looks like he's like...5 in this picture. Complete with a man sideburn?
Overexposed
The weirdest thing happened to me since I wrote my book. First of all, publishing, announcing, and promoting my book took a huge toll on my introverted soul. I really felt overexposed and it's thrown me off for several months actually! Sometimes I even get like that about my blog, or after I have a piece up on Huffington or Scary Mommy...I just want to faaaade awaaaaay into the background because I just feel like...too exposed. I'm such a freak of nature, I apologize.
So currently, overexposure and maybe a burn out from writing has just had me enjoying very lazy nights of watching Grey's and reading books instead of writing. I could never NOT write though, so I will continue to haunt the internet with my presence.
Grieving the end of babyhood
I wrote an entire (unpublished) post about the day that I ugly cried with drool all in the shower after a particularly emotionally hard day with Dacky. I didn't post it because when I re-read it, I was like "Wow, that was effing dramatic." But the same feelings still linger which I can basically summarize as this:
Dacky is turning 3 in three months. I have to wean Dacky before he turns 3 (I just do). Dacky is my last baby. Even though I want to wean, weaning him has a much greater emotional meaning to me because it's the end of his babyhood, and the end of my phase in motherhood where I'm nursing a little chubby person.
CAN'T.HANDLE.IT.
Honestly I have no plan right now. Some days I even think "Shit...this is going to go past 3 because I can't man up and wean him." I'm probably just going to replace his nap nursing session with some kind of special drink, like juice or kefir. Or maybe read books to him instead of nursing since he loves that so much. SOMETHING that he thinks is cool enough to replace "mimis" with. May the force be with me. (I've already nursed him twice today, off to a great start).
Kids that don't sleep
Can I just...for a minute...have a moment of silence for all the moms who have kids that don't sleep for the first several years of their lives?
I don't think one can properly understand how or why it happens until they're in our shoes, but it's very obvious from comments that sleep deprived moms get that "THEY would know what to do because THEIR kids sleep". And there's just "no excuse" for a kid past the age of a few months to be waking up all night. Much less an almost three year old; a.k.a. DACKY.
Some moms would tell me it's the cosleeping. It's the breastfeeding on demand. Perhaps even the extended breastfeeding. And I would secretly agree with you. If I turn the other way, the sanctimonious moms would tell me they will sleep in their own SPECIAL time, because theirs did. Theirs was a magical, emotional, beautifully peaceful transition where little Johnny just started sleeping through the night like a little cherub, and would then have his morning milkies staring into his mommy's eyes. "No crying involved, pin a rose on my perfect nose!" - spouted from their rested, non-puffy faces. Do I sound bitter?
No matter what you do
If you have kids that sleep and you "worked so hard for it" and you're sitting there with a smirk on your face, mentally patting yourself on the back for your awesomeness, let me just stop you in your perfect tracks. Let us ALL stop ourselves in our perfect tracks.
Some kids just won't sleep no matter what you do. Some kids just won't eat veggies no matter what you do. Some kids just won't be settled anywhere other than their mother's arms no matter what you do. Some kids just won't listen no matter what you do. Some kids just won't sit still EVER no matter what you do. Some kids just don't like car rides no matter what you do.
EVERY KID has something that makes them a little bit difficult. EVERY KID has something that makes them a little bit amazing. And it has NOTHING to do with you or me.
Having a second child has shown me that I can't take credit for the awesome qualities of my first son, and vice versa. I've done everything almost the exact same and they both have their own personalities, temperaments and growth rates. I can't take credit that one is more patient than the other. That one sleeps better than the other. That one spoke earlier and clearer than the other. That one was chubbier (or that one was more lean) than the other. That one walked months sooner than the other. That one is more social than the other.
Just as quickly as we look down on someone else and smirk to ourselves with satisfaction that we did something right, we'll find ourselves with a child that does the same and have no idea how to "fix" it.
I feel like that was ranty. I didn't mean for it to be. I just think we'd all be a lot happier if we stopped judging ourselves and other moms. I know that's easier said than done but truly...we'd be so much happier!
Lauren
omg!! Is there actually another mother out there with kids who don't sleep?!? Bless you for admitting it, since I always feel like I am the only one! And you are so right, some kids JUST DONT SLEEP. I didn't breastfeed my first, I did breastfeed my second. I attempted sleep training w my first and never let him in my bed... I let my second sleep in our bed whenever she wanted. Both kids were sucky sleepers. My son didn't get better until he was 3 and a half. Now he's 7 and sleeps great. (My daughter is 2, so still no sleep for me) There is a light at the end of the very long sleep deprived tunnel ?
Jessica Dimas
It makes me feel better when a mom shares with me that she's done different things and had the same results because it proves that neither way will work on a kid that just isn't going to sleep! So funny you mention that about your older son, I told a friend just the other day that I'm not expecting anything great in the sleep department from my 2 year old until he's like 7 or 8 lol. So promising to know there IS a light at the end of a verrrry long sleep deprived tunnel!!
Tawnya
Yes 🙂 to all of this but especially your rant at the end. We're all just doing the best we can, I know I hit the jackpot with Scarlett's temperament and disposition and its why I'm terrified for #2. Haha!!
Jessica Dimas
Well even if #2 is a little crazier (difficult) in some aspects, you'll very likely find you hit the jack pot with them in other areas you may have not even thought of before 🙂 I feel like my boys balance out in the end with their "pros and cons" lol.
Chelsea @ Life With My Littles
I love how you ended that! I agree with everything you said! I am insanely lucky and my kids both sleep, but they have different things they aren't good at. And other kids are super good at those things, and that's totally fine with me.
Also, please never stop writing because I love reading everything you write, even if you feel exposed when you do 🙂
Jessica Dimas
Thanks Chelsea!! And thank you so much for that last comment! I will definitely always keep writing, and blogging is just too fun to ever quit! <3
crystal n.
Hi Jessica! Let me start by saying that I am loyal reader of your blog, I love your honest posts and openness with your readers. However, I have to say I was a little upset when reading this post. I have two girls (4 years and 15 months) who do ,luckily, sleep through the night, and yes, I did "work hard for it" I would never in any way judge any mommy for how she raises her babies I think as mother we all have an instinct as to what is best for our children and who am to question what that might be for somebody else. So please dont judge the mother who really and truly did "work hard for it" to get our babies to sleep alone, all night. I adore you and your blog. Keep up the inspiration. All my best.
Jennifer Bly
Awww, I heard your tears with the weaning thing. It's so tough. All of a sudden little H refused the boob and I thought maybe tomorrow or the next day or the next and she never did and it may sound weird but I mourned the fact that I couldn't remember the last time I breastfed her. It is the end of an era... and it's an emotional transition. Be gentle on yourself mama <3
Ahhh, yes... I hear you on your rant. My two girls are soooo different and they should be. Parents are as individual as their children and the way we handle our kids is as individual as our kids. We just need to hug each other (sleep deprived or not) and say... "You love your kids and you're doing what you can."
Thanks for sharing
xoxo
PS - Little H wakes up once a night about 3-4 times a week. I hear you, friend. <3 Thank goodness for coffee!
Jessica Dimas
YES, you described the feelings exactly. That's how I feel right now. I honestly haven't even tried to wean him at all since writing this post. Ugh just not looking forward to it at all.
Yes, I've never understood (since having kids myself) how the experts pretty much expect them to all behave the same. I've always been a night owl and my husband has always been an early riser, just seems to be programmed into us and kids are the same way.
Thank you for your comment!! And yes, thank goodness for coffee!! (That's kind of nice to know Little H also wakes up once a night a few times a week).
Tiffany (A Touch of Grace)
Girl I hear ya! The sleep thing always killed me, especially when one of my girlfriend's would say "My daughter sleeps 14-15 hours a night." and this was when she was 2 weeks old. Shut your face lady! We all have our struggles and sleep has been one of our biggest.
And your rant was totally called for. We all do our best. Each kid is different and has their own thing like you said. It doesn't mean so and so is a better parent than I am. It just means our kids are different.
Jessica Dimas
Oh my gosh hahahahaha YES. Or they say "ugh, my kid only took a 3 hour nap today..." Wow that must really suck to have 3 whole hours to yourself! Yes exactly, so much of a child is just their disposition and temperament.
Kristy
Well, girlfriend, we are so in the same boat as far as feeling overexposed. I stepped wayyyyyy back from blogging. I was feeling kinda "sold out" even though I rocked those sponsored posts out of the park, BUT I was letting it suck the life out of me. I was letting blogging become my life instead of blogging being a part of my life. Whoa, Nelly, did I need that wakeup call. It was an ugly one, and I had an ugly cry about it, but I've been loving doing so much more by doing so much less (blog post coming soon about that...whenever I find the time), AKA binge watching TV, reading books, and actually spending time with my family. Anyway, I just needed to get that off my chest, so thanks for letting me dump that here. Lol.
And you still are the most amazing mama no matter how little or how much your babies sleep or nurse. So rock on, sister.
Jessica Dimas
Loved that you dumped that here lol, since we got to talk further about it and you gave me such renewed inspiration for blogging in a way I didn't expect...which is to follow my desire of blogging less and without any of the stress!
Chelsea
Agreed, with all of this! Max is a SUPER sleeper, but..... it's the getting him to sleep that is the worst. I mean, the WORST! oh, and he doesn't eat veggies, and has a bad attitude... 🙂 gosh, I love him so much. I love your posts, Jess. I've been MIA, I need to read more.
Jessica Dimas
Oh I've heard that, I have a friend whose kids sleep until late morning but they're verrrry hard to put down. I guess we all have to put our dues in somewhere, right? lol! Ugh. I've been MIA too, no worries, I was so happy to see your comment!