Disclaimer – this post is satirical in nature and written only because my womb is jealous of baby bumps and itty bitties. Let me make myself feel better, okay?
Everywhere I look, I’m surrounded by baby bumps and adorable, fat, juicy babies. Arm rolls in abundance and gummy little grins. Sometimes my ovaries quiver and I can’t take it. But I don’t want anymore babies…mentally. Logically I know that I’m not cut out to do this all over again. My body is a traitor though, and the instinctive urge to just keep procreating into the sunset sometimes overwhelms me.
Sometimes my baby fever needs a nice, cold bucket of ice water thrown on it. A wake up call, if you will. Do you need one too? Let’s recount all the horrors of pregnancy and little babies together, shall we?
Ugh, god, which trimester do you want to pick? The first – full of exhaustion and nausea if you’re lucky. The kind of nausea that has you laid out on the sofa not wanting to move and wishing you could take it all back if only you could feel normal again. The unluckies get to live by the toilet bowl puking their guts up. Or how about the third, when you’re swollen and huge, your skin can’t pull any tighter around your belly, and you look like freakin Santa Claus. Except you aren’t jolly because you have a human being tap dancing on your uterus 24/7.
Ahhh, birth. The beautiful and sacred time when you get to feel like a wishbone that’s being pulled apart. That’s when you really wish you could take it all back, but too late, this roller coaster is already at the top of the track, ready to drop whether you are or not!
The part of birth no one ever wants to talk about. Your belly is this weird mush of jello and you can feel your organs spilling all over the place. Your vajayjay is hanging on by a thread and all the while people are making sure you take that dreaded first poop. All of your dignity has been thrown out the window. The afterbirth contractions put you right back in labor mode, especially if you’re on 2+ kids, and they only get worse after each pregnancy. NO. Just NO.
Eeeeeyuck. Constant leaking, let down, rock boobs, nursing someone every few hours, clogged ducts, mastitis…and then later your boobs die.
Babies don’t just wake up constantly; they wake up and eat, stare at you, crap, eat, puke all over themselves, and then maybe go back to sleep . It’s like a whole THING when they wake up. You morph into a haggard zombie, hoping to sleep when the baby does, but wait! Don’t forget those other kids you’ve already popped out, they’ll be up at the crack of dawn and the littlest one just gave up their nap! NO SLEEPING FOR YOU!!! HAHAHA!! Maybe you could just tape your eyes open, or something.
You’ve just started to reacquaint yourself with warm food, why go eff that up? You’ll be right back at square one, where you’ll be bargaining with your husband over who gets to eat first and who has to hold the colicky, screaming baby. And it’ll most likely be you because…boobs.
You like sitting down
Isn’t it amazing to watch your kids play from across the room? How they leave you alone and can go more than 15 minutes without needing you now? And you get to do this luxurious thing called SITTING DOWN?! You can actually think a thought if you so desire, without being immediately interrupted. If you go and have another baby, kiss that shit goodbye. You’ll have to put in at least another 2 years before you’ll be able to sit down in peace again. That’s approximately 731 days of straight mind and body torture.
Remember how your hair fell out a few months postpartum and how awesome you didn’t look with that bald spot right above the top of your forehead? A year later you rocked 2 inch sprigs of hair that couldn’t be tamed with any amount of styling product and looked like someone who was just featured on the show Intervention. And I won’t mention the unmentionable atrocities that took place in your nether regions, but rest assured that there will be even more fun times down there if you get pregnant again.
So, how’s that newborn looking to you now? #justsayno
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