Disclaimer - this post is satirical in nature and written only because my womb is jealous of baby bumps and itty bitties. Let me make myself feel better, okay?
Everywhere I look, I'm surrounded by baby bumps and adorable, fat, juicy babies. Arm rolls in abundance and gummy little grins. Sometimes my ovaries quiver and I can't take it. But I don't want anymore babies...mentally. Logically I know that I'm not cut out to do this all over again. My body is a traitor though, and the instinctive urge to just keep procreating into the sunset sometimes overwhelms me.
Sometimes my baby fever needs a nice, cold bucket of ice water thrown on it. A wake up call, if you will. Do you need one too? Let's recount all the horrors of pregnancy and little babies together, shall we?
Pregnancy
Ugh, god, which trimester do you want to pick? The first - full of exhaustion and nausea if you're lucky. The kind of nausea that has you laid out on the sofa not wanting to move and wishing you could take it all back if only you could feel normal again. The unluckies get to live by the toilet bowl puking their guts up. Or how about the third, when you're swollen and huge, your skin can't pull any tighter around your belly, and you look like freakin Santa Claus. Except you aren't jolly because you have a human being tap dancing on your uterus 24/7.
Birth
Ahhh, birth. The beautiful and sacred time when you get to feel like a wishbone that's being pulled apart. That's when you really wish you could take it all back, but too late, this roller coaster is already at the top of the track, ready to drop whether you are or not!
Afterbirth
The part of birth no one ever wants to talk about. Your belly is this weird mush of jello and you can feel your organs spilling all over the place. Your vajayjay is hanging on by a thread and all the while people are making sure you take that dreaded first poop. All of your dignity has been thrown out the window. The afterbirth contractions put you right back in labor mode, especially if you're on 2+ kids, and they only get worse after each pregnancy. NO. Just NO.
Breastfeeding
Eeeeeyuck. Constant leaking, let down, rock boobs, nursing someone every few hours, clogged ducts, mastitis...and then later your boobs die.
No sleep
Babies don't just wake up constantly; they wake up and eat, stare at you, crap, eat, puke all over themselves, and then maybe go back to sleep . It's like a whole THING when they wake up. You morph into a haggard zombie, hoping to sleep when the baby does, but wait! Don't forget those other kids you've already popped out, they'll be up at the crack of dawn and the littlest one just gave up their nap! NO SLEEPING FOR YOU!!! HAHAHA!! Maybe you could just tape your eyes open, or something.
Warm meals
You've just started to reacquaint yourself with warm food, why go eff that up? You'll be right back at square one, where you'll be bargaining with your husband over who gets to eat first and who has to hold the colicky, screaming baby. And it'll most likely be you because...boobs.
You like sitting down
Isn't it amazing to watch your kids play from across the room? How they leave you alone and can go more than 15 minutes without needing you now? And you get to do this luxurious thing called SITTING DOWN?! You can actually think a thought if you so desire, without being immediately interrupted. If you go and have another baby, kiss that shit goodbye. You'll have to put in at least another 2 years before you'll be able to sit down in peace again. That's approximately 731 days of straight mind and body torture.
Your body
Remember how your hair fell out a few months postpartum and how awesome you didn't look with that bald spot right above the top of your forehead? A year later you rocked 2 inch sprigs of hair that couldn't be tamed with any amount of styling product and looked like someone who was just featured on the show Intervention. And I won't mention the unmentionable atrocities that took place in your nether regions, but rest assured that there will be even more fun times down there if you get pregnant again.
So, how's that newborn looking to you now? #justsayno
Jessica Dimas is the author of the book "Sacred Self-Care for the Highly Sensitive Mom." Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to stay updated with future posts.
Amanda
bahahaha this is my favorite posts for sure. So funny. I feel the same way. The thought of a newborn again other then when they are sleeping is terrifying haha.
Jessica Dimas
Hahahaha yes!!! It's a super terrifying thought.
Chelsea
This is hilarious! You say it so perfectly! Seriously, though. When I got pregnant with my second I thought it would be a little better because my sister-in-law was pregnant at the same time. But she was one of those who was like a pregnancy goddess, looked incredible, always talked about what an amazing thing pregnancy was, and how much she was going to miss it. So yeah, not my favorite.
Jessica Dimas
Ugh I hate those ones!!! God creates them to be a false representation so more women will want to get pregnant lol ;P
crystal n.
Thank you for this! I am a stay at home mom to two amazing girls (3.5 years and 7 months) every time somebody asks me why I am not having more I will tell them to read this post!
Jessica Dimas
Hahahaha thanks Crystal, I'm glad you liked it.
Chelsea
Hahaha good thing we know about them so we can be prepared when we encounter them!
Chelsea Purifoy
Ha! I love this! Especially because people are always asking why you wouldn't want to have another. I will be sharing this post with my fellow Houston Moms Blog contributors since we have a thread going on this exact topic!
Jessica Dimas
Hahahaha yes!!! And thank you Chelsea xo
Tiffany
I really should not have read this.........
Jessica Dimas
LOL don't scare me like that!!!
Carolina Brenes
OMG! This is your funniest post ever. I got a good laugh reading this one. The sad part is that it's all true and I'm pregnant with #2 so... :/
Jessica Dimas
Hahaha sorry Carolina!! You know I only wrote it so all of you preggies don't rub your baby fever off on me!! ;P
Ailee | Snapshots & My Thoughts
Oh dear! We are thinking about #2 towards the end of this year, and I'm not even kidding - this scared me (although I know it's satirical). Seriously though - the exhaustion, birth, etc. were not as bad to me as being a big, swollen preggo. Yikes. Great read, per usual. I love your writing style!
Jessica Dimas
LOL no no no, don't listen to me. You definitely need to have a second one because they occupy your first one, they're worth the trouble lol ;P
Angelica
I so needed to read this right now. Was just asked by a co-worker today if I was going to try for another and I said, "No way!" It's hard because I LOVE babies and definitely have baby fever now that #2 just turned one. But you know what I love even more? Sleep!
Jessica Dimas
LOL yes Angelica, SLEEP is our chant. That's seriously my main reason I can't keep going, I just want to sleep!!
Michelle
I totally get this post. I literally just posted something similar. You said exactly what I was thinking!!!! One and done momma here!
Jessica Dimas
Hahaha fist bump!!!
Tawnya
HAHA! Great post, Jess! I couldn't agree more with all of these and although I desperately want to have another baby, I don't look forward to these aspects 🙂 It'll all be worth it in the end but oh my gosh I need to bring this up again when I am done having little ones 😉
Jessica Dimas
It's totally worth it, yes. And I can't wait for you to get pregnant so I'm glad this didn't deter you ;P
Alycia
AHHHH!!! So funny but sooo made me remember all this stuff!!! Hopefully baby #2 comes with none of these things!!! Lol!!
Jessica Dimas
Lol start praying now ;P
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom
LOL... oh my. Yup - no more babies for me either. Two is quite enough. I can't imagine a third. I love my sleep too much!
Oh and the mastitis! I swear I have phantom mastitis pains every once in a while... just to remind me what rough shape my boobs were in when I was breastfeeding.
However... I wonder if a bad boob can be brought back to life if breast feeding happened more dominantly on it. Hmmmm, maybe you will try to get pregnant after all.
Thanks for the laughs.
xoxo
Carrie
Oh and don't forget the phantom let-downs when someone else's baby cries! I never dealt with mastitis {thankfully!}, but I did get my share of clogged ducts--including one during my pregnancy. How on earth does that happen??
Jessica Dimas
Oh god those are the worst!!!! Phantom letdowns. And I don't know about the clogged ducts, especially since I felt like I nursed 24/7 and there shouldn't have been any backed up milk. Do you have strong let downs? I was an over producer and I know we're more prone to getting lots of clogged ducts, sounds like you had that problem too. Or wait, you got them DURING pregnancy?! Man that sucks!!
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom
Thanks for sharing and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop Jessica. I loved this post. LOL
Wishing you a wonderful day!
xoxo
Jessica Dimas
Thanks Jennifer!! And thank you for the early sign up feature, you're awesome!!!
Jessica Dimas
Yeah I love my crappy sleep too much, if I had a third I would for sure never sleep because my babies DON'T SLEEP. Yeah mastitis is no joke, I only got it twice thankfully. And no, a boob cannot be brought back to life by breast feeding more dominantly on it, I already tried LOL.
Sarah @ GlamGranolaGeek
This definitely put my upcoming birth into perspective.........BAHHAHAH!! I'm so screwed!! The good news is I don't have to give up sitting, because my kids still climb on to my head the moment my butt hits the couch. And thinking thoughts never really came back for me either....another one I won't have to worry about! hehehe
Jessica Dimas
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA omg that made me snort laugh. Totally hear you on the thinking thoughts thing, now that I have the chance I still don't take advantage.
Kelli {A Deeper Joy}
You're too funny Jessica! Someday I'll understand all of these very well, hopefully :-p
Jessica Dimas
Oh yes, you definitely will 🙂
Keri
I have become quite content with my 3 and then reading this reminds me yes stick with 3! The cute, adorable newborns try to draw me in with their cuteness haha! Oh and I have a 10 month old and have those annoying new hairs all over my head- it is beyond annoying! So thank you for this laugh!!
Jessica Dimas
Hahahaha!! The newborns are tricksters, they'll get ya if your mind game isn't on point. Ugh the HAIRS, they're the WORST!!! I felt like such a freak for an entire year lol.
Cheryl Long
I've been pregnant 17 times (no; that is not a typo!) giving birth to 10 beautiful babes and no amount of reminding myself of all these inconveniences could stave off the desire For. More. Babies. Haha. This post is hysterical!
Jessica Dimas
*Bowing down* you're my hero!! I barely survived two pregnancies and births, I'm such a wimp. But yeah, the baby thing...why are they so addicting?!
Kristy
Oh my gosh, Jess. I'm DYING!!! This is the most hilarious thing ever. Please tell me this will show up on Scary Mommy? Yeah, I was totally contemplating another one, but then I was reminded of all this. Bahahaha. But I'm a glutton for misery so we shall see. 😉
Jessica Dimas
This will not show up on Scary Mommy unfortunately!! But thank you for considering it Scary Mommy material 🙂 well you SHOULD be a glutton for misery because you only have one cutie and definitely need more!!
Cami
This is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!
Jessica Dimas
Thanks Cami!!
Tamara
I know. I know. I just can't.
I had my annual exam and the doctor was like, "Everything looks so great! Ready for a third?"
Nooooo! For me it's the pregnancy that I've become phobic about. Although you just reminded me of the after birth contractions (minimal with Scarlet..hell-raising with Des) and the hair loss! The hair loss!!!
Jessica Dimas
The hair loss!!!! It's not right!!! Yeah and I'm super phobic about pregnancy now as well, I even had a nightmare that I was pregnant and I was freaking out lol. I just can't.
Amanda
This made me laugh so much! Thanks! My husband and I decided after our second baby that we'd be having no more...pretty much for all these reasons. However, we are now staring down the barrel at child #3 due to a possible kinship foster situation with our infant relative. So warm food and sitting down and thinking will probably have to wait another 2 yrs!
Jessica Dimas
Awww but that sounds like an amazing thing you're doing, so disregard this post lol.
Charlee
Oh, how I agree with these all!! We plan on having another, but after this, WHO KNOWS!!!! 😉 No, but seriously, those contractions AFTER the baby is born are wicked mean. I'm trying to breastfeed my baby, body, thank you very much, and now you want to contract and make everything 10x worse?! It really is quite the ordeal when they wake up, but I was blessed with babies that don't puke, so that's a plus. Great post!
Jessica Dimas
Yes, it's so messed up!!! With my 2nd baby, after he latched I swore I was going into labor again lol. I could hardly sit up. My midwife was like "yeah those get worse after each baby." And I thought "okay then! I'm done!" Lol
Tiffany
Now that I've gotten over the original shock of this post. 🙂
These seriously do make me not want to have another baby. But then they snuggle you and give you kisses and smell so good. Those are some great reasons to have another. 🙂
Jessica Dimas
Yeah I'll need to do a follow up post on 10 reasons to get pregnant....or not, since my point is to convince myself NOT to, so maybe you should write it lol. But anyway, I definitely hope I hear "news" from you in the near future 🙂
Cindy Hasko
Okay, ...so when are you having a girl? You just smiled! THOUGHT SO! ha ha!! xoxoxoxo
Jessica Dimas
HAHAHAHA oh you and my mom both. She said "now you know you don't mean this because you know you have to have a little girl." lol NO.
Sonya
Hilarious! I have a 3 year old and an 8 month and everything you just wrote about is so right on!!
Jessica Dimas
Yes!! We're golden with just 2 boys, anymore and we'd for sure lose our sanity 😛
Rebecca
I really appreciate you trying to make me feel better about my pregnancy envy lol and some of these are LEGIT......but ugh. Still. More babies. At least one more for me....please husband??!?!!
Jessica Dimas
I seriously will channel pregnancy dust vibes into your husband's brain, because I want you to have that second baby that you wish for! And you need someone to take Dylan's attention so you can have a break. I swear I hardly know where my kids are most of the day because they play together....AMAZING, you must tell him of this.
Julie Hood
Bahahaha this is hilarious. I have a 2-month-old and all of these recollections/side effects are all too vivid in my memory.
Jessica Dimas
LOL right?! Everyone keeps asking me when I'm going to have a third because my boys are 3 and 5 now and I'm like back the eff up, I'm finally getting a taste of freedom, please don't stress me out with that thought.