Are you a mom of boys? Do you need solace and comfort...maybe some stories from other boy moms that will make you feel less alone? Perhaps a stout drink?
You most likely need the drink, and meanwhile I'm going to share some heartwarming tales of things I never thought I'd say, but thanks to becoming a boy mom, I say on the reg now.
The other day, I was actually cleaning the bathtub for once and noticed that my sons' bath toys which squirt water were horribly disgusting, so I threw them away and thanked the universe that they were still alive after drinking the water out of those things.
Come next bath time, I remembered they didn't have any toys so I went into their room and quickly searched for some that wouldn't get ruined in the water.
Five minutes later I hear "Mommy, look!" I happily glance up from my book and see my three year old proudly smiling at me with one of the pieces hanging from his penis.
Horror, all over my face.
Technically he did have to use some fine motor skills for that feat, so I still considered it a success. A boy mom has to take the little wins where she can.
Contrary to what you may have heard, a dog is not a boy's best friend. It's his penis. Some start this love at a very young age and others not until later. My older son was a late bloomer; he didn't develop a passion for the peen until around the ripe age of two years old.
My younger son, on the other hand, was desperately grasping for his as soon as he had the ability to get his shaky little baby hand down there on the jackpot, to which he'd grab hold and lock down a death grip on that thing.
I'm actually shocked that he even still has a penis and balls, considering he's been trying to rip them off for the last year and has almost succeeded a few times. Aquaphor has been our friend. (It's great for torn ball skin, little tip for ya newbie boy moms there).
And so this brings us to the 10 horrific things I never thought I would hear myself say, but have been forced to utter and sometimes scream out ever since I began my journey with raising boys (warning, the following may trigger traumatic memories for boy mom survivors):
1. "OH MY GOD, STOP!! YOU'RE GONNA RIP YOUR BALLS OFF!" (Every bath session this is desperately shrieked out. And every time, my son's eyes fixate on mine, almost as if he's silently pleading for me to help him. Like he's been possessed by the penis-and-ball demons and must compulsively annihilate his man parts.)
2. "Please don't touch other people with your penis."
3. "We don't put food on our penises..."
4. "No, it's not 'peenie' time."
5. "Actually no, you don't have to show everyone your penis."
6. "No, mommy does not have a penis....no I don't....I DO NOT have a penis."
7. "Please stop telling people mommy has a penis."
8. "Stop pulling your brother's penis."
9. "HEY!! DON'T LET THE DOG LICK YOUR PENIS!!!!!!!"
10. "Your son tried to make the dog give him head today...I know, it's disturbing...I don't know how he got his diaper off dude, stop blaming me! Yeah, I'll just have to keep him in pants that button from now on."
My husband and I like to guess how our sons will be when they're older based on their penis fascination level right now: My three year old...he'll have the decency to masturbate in the shower or at night when everyone is in bed. My one year old, if he hasn't succeeded in castrating himself...let's just say that I won't walk into his room ever without knocking first.
The penis fascination is normal unfortunately, and you can't stop it no matter how hard you try. So, you have to learn to live with it. Embrace it. Close your eyes and think happy, non penis-y thoughts. Whatever you have to do to get through it.
If I raise my boys to grow up into men who aren't flashers or chronic masturbators, I will consider my mothering efforts a success. With boys, sometimes, you gotta lower the bar a little bit, ya know? Consider the small things the big achievements! They keep their penis in their pants at work? High five for you mom, you did it!
Jessica Dimas is the author of Self-Care for Moms Guide + Worksheet Bundle.
Julie S.
OH wow, this is what I have to look forward to huh? My baby boy has just discovered his fingers and toes recently, so I can only imagine the fascination when he notices what's in between...
Jessica Dimas
Hahahaha I love the way you put that. Yeah you have a lot of "fun times" in store for your future lol 😉
Kristy
I am so glad I found this. My 4 year old decided tonight was a good night to put all of his toys on his penis in the bath because it "is funny" he said. I was horrified and my mind was racing because I was wondering what the heck happened and where did I go so wrong. Previous to this he has only done a little touching here and there. Thank you for putting my mind at ease. From the mother of 4 1/2yr old who is apparently a late bloomer.
Sonya
ha! I have two boys as well. I can't get over how young they start playing with their peepees. My 8 month old discovered his a couple months ago so changing his diaper has become a fun challenge.
Jessica Dimas
know, it's disturbing, isn't it? Lol. I remember that phase when they can finally get their hands down there, makes poop diaper especially challenging!
Kayla
This was so funny, I actually had to read some of it to my husband. My little boy is a little over a year old and I catch myself telling him daily to not hurt himself down there. Diaper time can be such a challenge! Love the tip you included about Aquaphor. Unfortunately, I may need to invest in that soon...
Jessica Dimas
Lol yes, I told my second son that same phrase daily for almost 2 years. Now that he just turned 2 a few months back, he's finally quit grabbing himself so hard down there. I hope you don't have to invest in Aquaphor, but at least it's there if you need it haha!
Anna
Oh I needed that laugh today! Thank you! Tears are still streaming down my face, but my day (4 months prego + 2.5 y.o. boy) just got so much better!
Jessica Dimas
Hahahaha I'm so glad I could make your day better, that is the goal when I admit stories like this to the world, if it makes another mom smile I consider my job complete!
Charlene
Nope, I'm not ready for this AT ALL
Chantal Milk&Nappies
This is the funniest post!! My son is only just learning he has hands so we haven't yet got to that point and I'm a bit scared! Xx
Stephanie @ Mommyzoid
oh my LORD. I think my son is more like your older son. Sweet jesus! Little boys are...somethin else!
Stephanie @ Mommyzoid
Jessica Dimas
Hahahahaha! And yes, they are definitely something else!
Karen
Definitely my son's best friend/favourite toy...today he has drawn a picture on it!!
Jessica Dimas
Bahahahaha, oh lord.
Sara
Hahahaha oh my gosh this is too funny! I am a nanny for a 2 year old boy so I totally understand the penis obsession lol
Anonymous
My twins are almost 9 and my other boy is 7, the "pee pee" fascination has subsided some thank goodness!
Jessica Dimas
Oh thank the lord there is a light at the end of the tunnel lol. Since I wrote this, my older one has become the pee pee fascinated one and he's 4, almost 5.
Barbara
That and football were the reasons I prayed to God to not give me any boys. Instead I got 3 girls. There is a God!!
Very funny too!
Jessica Dimas
HAHAHAHA ugh football. And so fun you got 3 girls, enjoy them!
Sarah
Oh my goodness this had me laughing so hard! I have 3 boys and can totally relate.
Hilarious writing.
Jessica Dimas
3 boys! Whew I bet you can relate! Thanks for your comment 🙂
Christa
OMGoodness...Thank You for the laugh! I have two boys 6 and 14months, so I can totally relate.
Jessica Dimas
Hahaha glad you enjoyed it!
Jim
This made me laugh so much I cried. As both a former boy and father to a fine young man, I can attest to all of this.
Also, " you can’t stop it no matter how hard you try." Poor choice of words...
Jessica Dimas
Hahahahaha yes, you're right
jade
Hahaha I have a 2.5 year old who loves to whip off his nappy first thing in the morning and say 'Tada!!!!' With his morning erection!
'Winkie' also makes appearances regularly when we have company. I can totally commiserate with the 'no mummy does not have a Pena' but then I had the 'I want a vijay jay tanty' which followed the 'I want my period right now tAnty' haha boys 🙂
Jessica Dimas
LMAO I seriously laughed so hard the water I was drinking almost came out of my nose. Oh wow, hilarious. Little boys are CRAZY, they make us laugh though lol.
Angela Cox
i have 2 boys 1 and 4 and all of these made me laugh, i think it's hilarious not really horrible, but we are a pretty open family and i use those moments as learning moments. then i turn around and crack up. the only thing i dont really like and find it weird is the baby erections, they gross me out lol. I remember one day my son said since you dont have a penis you pee out your butt...I was laughing so hard and then i had to explain girls have a vagina and guys have a penis. luckily he didnt ask to see the vagina!! hahaha
Jessica Dimas
Exactly lol, it's so hard to keep a straight face when they're saying or doing something hilarious that involves their penis. LOL you pee out of your butt, so awesome. Once in an airport bathroom my littlest one was trying to see me pee and he's like "IS THAT YOUR LITTLE VAGINA, YOU HAVE A LITTLE VAGINA MOMMY?" Which I guess is better than accusing me of having a penis but still, I can't wait until we don't have to talk about my genitals in public anymore lol
Anonymous
Better than saying you have a big vagina!!! Love it so funny!!!
Lisa Pilgrim
I raised two sons to be adult men. I can honestly tell you that you still have so much more to learn. However, my sons, now 30 and 33, are fine men who never play with the junk in public. At least as far as I know, they do not. Your article make me laugh so hard. I expected to be so angry because people can be so wierd about boys, but it was delightful instead. Thank you. Looking forward to Grandsons!
Jessica Dimas
Yeah, I've got at least 15 more years of learning with these little boys, if not more 🙂 I'm glad you enjoyed the post, a few moms have gotten angry over it so I never know which way the comments are going to go! And I love that you're looking forward to grandsons...little boys are the best, no matter how much I like to joke about them driving me crazy 🙂
Patty Luzzi
One of my cousins, who has three daughters, once told me, "You're so lucky to have just two boys. You only have to worry about two penises and I have to worry about all of them!" And worry I did! Now #1 son is having his own son. Can't wait!
Jessica Dimas
Hahahaha she made a good point. Aw that is so awesome, congrats on your upcoming grandson! Little boys really are the sweetest, I like to joke about them being crazy but they really are so tender hearted and awesome to have around.
April
I have a 13 year old daughter and an 11 week old son. He's already found his peepee once! It's nice to have a heads up on what to expect. Thanks for the info and the laugh!
Jessica Dimas
LOL now that is an awesome record, 11 weeks old and already found the peepee! Sounds like you definitely have lots of fun adventures waiting in your future haha!
Amarie
So far my 2 year old hasn't had any interest in playing with his penis. He's grabbed at it a few times during a diaper change but he's had no interest in playing with it or trying to rip it off. Not even during bath time. He's still breastfed so all that's ever on his mind is boobies Lol. He reaches in my shirt every hour saying eat, milk, please help, eat.
Jessica Dimas
"Please help" ??? I know that life too!
Melanie
Oh, wow. Laughed so hard I cried (and almost peed myself). #'s 1, 3, 6, 7 and 9 are some I've dealt with, but this whole blog was just spot on. I grew up with 3 sisters and no brothers, so having a boy has been both shocking and hilarious. Thanks for sharing "too much"! 😉
Jessica Dimas
Hahaha yeah boys are SPECIAL, in lots of ways. Mine crack me up every day.
Stephanie
OMG this blog is hilarious!!! I can relate to it ALL!!! This is the very first blog I have read of yours and already I'm hooked! I have 3 amazing little boys; 8 yrs, 3 yrs, & 15 weeks. My oldest had a fascination of putting ANYTHING he possibly could around his penis including toy "nuts" because I threw out the bath toys that were so gross I was lucky he was alive after drinking the water out of them! My 3 yr old was never into putting things around his penis instead he would run through the house naked and stop to play his peepee "guitar"
Jessica Dimas
3 boys, I bow down to you haha. Peepee guitar, hahahahahaha. Funny how each boy has his own "special" way of celebrating his penis. I love how we'll be having a peaceful morning at the table eating breakfast and my son will be like "My peenie's up" like nothing and continue eating his food....like thaaaanks for sharing that lol. Never a dull moment!
Amber
I've been surrounded by girls so my ten month old son was a first for me lol. He's recently been "dicovering himself" anytime he's in the tub or getting a diaper change, and I'm like "What is this, i thought i had a little time before this started up ? " and i rember telling my mom he's playing with his nub always pulling on it! It's good to know it's normal and other moms deal with it too!
Jessica Dimas
Right?! I didn't know they could start as babies. And people may be like "oh well they're just babies grabbing around for anything". NO. It's like they have a 6th sense that there's something down that's super important and needs their attention right away hahaha.
Jamie
hahah omg this is amazing. my fav from my boy was 'LOOK! It gets bigger when I rub it. LOOK! It's so big!'. Oh, little boys... 🙂 For what it's worth, two things got this to taper off quite a bit for us. We didn't want to make him shameful of anything so it's a tricky balance, but (a) telling him that he's allowed to play with it in the bath i.e. 'oh, are we in the bath? no? okay, let's wait then.' and (b) calmly and non-judgmentally just having him wash his hands EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. he touched it when he wasn't in the bath. Trust me, after the fifth time in an hour we pulled him away from his beloved trains to wash his hands, he stopped. 🙂
Jessica Dimas
HAHAHAHA that is so hilarious. Little boys kill me. Yeah making my older son wash his hands would definitely kill any motivation he has, it's like the most terrible thing in the world to him lol. Those are good tips, I like them!
Terry
I have 2 brothers, 2 sons, and 2 grandsons. Thought I had heard and seen it all......until 9 & 10. I did try to "help" my older brother "aim for the pot" while my parents bathed my younger brother. Mom and Dad fell into the tub laughing. My brother still gives me grief - I am 60 and he is 59, other brother is 57. I have also cautioned my daughter-in-law that the grandsons will ALWAYS be checking it out. She is mortified (and from a family of all girls). I will pass on Jamie's comment - love it!!
Jessica Dimas
HAHA that is too funny! My mom told me that I used to yell for my brother to get in the bathroom and clean the toilet before I would sit on it. I apparently have blocked it from memory but now I'm seeing what my poor mother had to clean up. I think that's going to be the first chore I teach my boys: how to clean their nasty toilet.
Sammantha Rollins
I was literally laughing at loud reading this!!
(my 6 month baby boy sleeping & I had to hold my laugh as much as I could to not wake him lol)
He’s been fascinated with his penis for months now! At every chance he gets diaper change, bath time I swear he’s going rip it off!
I tell him “you got your whole life with those things relax!!”
Suellen
When I had to tell my son, “Your penis is not a handle or a toy and Mommy really doesn’t want to watch. That’s why there called PRIVATE PARTS.” , I knew I was officially in the boy mom club!
BTW, really hard to type while laughing and tears running down my face!
Savanah
I have never been happier go stumble upon an article. My ribs started cramping by the time I finished reading this! Best laugh I’ve had in a while!
My 15 month old has recently discovered himself and now prefers to run around diaperless. His favorite move is to look me dead in the eyes while poking himself!