Five minutes later I hear “Mommy, look!” I happily glance up from my book and see my three year old proudly smiling at me with one of the pieces hanging from his penis.
Horror, all over my face.
Technically he did have to use some fine motor skills for that feat, so I still considered it a success. A boy mom has to take the little wins where she can.
Contrary to what you may have heard, a dog is not a boy’s best friend. It’s his penis. Some start this love at a very young age and others not until later. My older son was a late bloomer; he didn’t develop a passion for his peen until around the ripe age of two years old. My younger son, on the other hand, was desperately grasping for his as soon as he had the ability to get his shaky little baby hand down there on the jackpot, to which he’d grab hold and lock down a death grip on that thing.
I’m actually shocked that he even still has a penis and balls, considering he’s been trying to rip them off for the last year and has almost succeeded a few times. Aquaphor has been our friend. (It’s great for torn ball skin, little tip for ya newbie boy moms there).
And so this brings us to the 10 horrific things I never thought I would hear myself say, but have been forced to utter and sometimes scream out ever since I began my journey with raising boys (warning, the following may trigger traumatic memories for boy mom survivors):
1. “OH MY GOD, STOP!! YOU’RE GONNA RIP YOUR BALLS OFF!” (Every bath session this is desperately shrieked out. And every time, my son’s eyes fixate on mine, almost as if he’s silently pleading for me to help him. Like he’s been possessed by the penis-and-ball demons and must compulsively annihilate his man parts.)
2. “Please don’t touch other people with your penis.”
3. “We don’t put food on our penises…”
4. “No, it’s not ‘peenie’ time.”
5. “Actually no, you don’t have to show everyone your penis.”
6. “No, mommy does not have a penis….no I don’t….I DO NOT have a penis.”
7. “Please stop telling people mommy has a penis.”
8. “Stop pulling your brother’s penis.”
9. “HEY!! DON’T LET THE DOG LICK YOUR PENIS!!!!!!!”
10. “Your son tried to make the dog give him head today…I know, it’s disturbing…I don’t know how he got his diaper off dude, stop blaming me! Yeah, I’ll just have to keep him in pants that button from now on.”
My husband and I like to guess how our sons will be when they’re older based on their penis fascination level right now: My three year old…he’ll have the decency to masturbate in the shower or at night when everyone is in bed. My one year old, if he hasn’t succeeded in castrating himself…let’s just say that I won’t walk into his room ever without knocking first.
The penis fascination is normal unfortunately, and you can’t stop it no matter how hard you try. So, you have to learn to live with it. Embrace it. Close your eyes and think happy, non penis-y thoughts. Whatever you have to do to get through it.
If I raise my boys to grow up into men who aren’t flashers or chronic masturbators, I will consider my mothering efforts a success. With boys, sometimes, you gotta lower the bar a little bit, ya know? Consider the small things the big achievements! They keep their penis in their pants at work? High five for you mom, you did it!