Where to start. First, I'd like to ask my dad to stop reading at this point, for the sake of both our dignities. This is a tale from deep within the hidden crevices of the postpartum vault. But the kind of postpartum that isn't right away...the kind from a couple years down the road, maybe after another kid or two...after your kids have sucked all the life out of your body literally kind of postpartum.
I guess I will start on that fateful afternoon where it all began. I was laying on the ground playing with my children. Resting my head on my hand, they would run up and I'd grab them with my free hand and tickle them before they'd run off again. Giggles abounded and I felt so on top of my mom game. I was winning. Enjoying the moment. I even felt semi-sexy with my hair cascading over my shoulders (I had done my hair and makeup that day...I was so winning). The hot wife and doting mother, like damn...where is the Pinterest paparazzi when you need 'em? Yet little did I know, everything was about to turn very dark and grim.
Let me just give you a bit of background info on the history of my boobs. I started out not having any for a very, very long time. I believe I was dubbed "Tortilla Flats" on the playgrounds. I was the latest of late bloomers, and I had some awesome braces to go with the flatness situation. My life changed significantly the summer before 9th grade. It was like overnight, I went from nothing to BAM. Then the braces came off...I walked into my 9th grade year with my proverbial middle fingers high in air and Jay-Z's "Big Pimpin" playing in my mind's background. "Watch out mofos, I got boobs and straight teeth now, wassup." From then on, I pretty much had my pick of whatever boy I wanted and I complained about things such as bras digging into my shoulders and back pain. Life is rough when you have awesome boobs.
Cut back to the floor scene where life with awesome boobs as I knew it was about to meet an awful fate. As the children ran off, I looked down towards my cleavage area to make sure nothing had fallen out (#bigboobproblems). Things get a little fuzzy from here on out, everything started to swirl in slow motion. All I remember seeing was like....this remnant of what used to be my awesome boob...but instead of being pushed up from being against the floor, my poor boob was hanging and lifeless in the bra cup (#deadboobproblems). It looked 90 years old. This was sort of the view I had looking down at my boobs that day.
I literally yelled out "OH MY GOD!!!" and quickly rolled onto my back and pulled my shirt up to my neck. Maybe if I could instantly erase the image from my mind that I'd just seen, it'd be like it never happened. The kids came running back in to be tickled...."GO AWAY!!!" I barked. Pinterest mommy was gone. I laid there, dazed and staring at the ceiling...when did this happen...how...for how long...had Luis seen it? Maybe it was just a freak accident from the way I had been laying...
I rolled back over and slowly looked down. OMFG!!!!!!! Are you SERIOUS, life?! My boob...was effing gone.
As the days went on, there was much pondering, observing, standing in front of the mirror at all angles only to be horrified at what I saw. I went back to the beginning, when I started tandem nursing. That was the side that the baby took and the toddler took the other side. When I weaned the toddler, his side kept making more milk so I naturally had to put the baby on that side more often. It started out as a difference in breast size that then apparently made the smaller boob feel so unneeded that she just LEFT!!! Died!! Her body is still here but the plump soul is gone. Do you catch my drift?
I had pretend conversations with my abandoned boob.
Me: What happened?
Boob: Did you really think you could work me 24/7 and not expect me to jump this shitty ship?
Me: Ugh, what? Look, I know I've put you through a lot these last 4 years but damn, you're only 30, what the hell??
Boob: You and that stupid attachment parenting crap, "it's all for the baby lest they become traumatized if they don't have boob for 20 years!" You just HAD to breastfeed TWO kids at the same time, 'round the clock! Did it win you any mommy awards?
Me: Uhh wow, you're being really harsh...but wait, they told me breastfeeding doesn't ruin boobs?!
Boob: Well I don't know anything about what "they" told you, but I'm here to tell you SAYONARA sister, I'm done. I did my time...it was like 10 years worth of time in 4 years...but I did it. Peace out.
Me: Wait!!! I wasn't ready to say goodbye...
Where am I at today in this tragic story, you ask? I've accepted it. Or not really...I mean it depends on the day, the shirt, the bra, the position, if there's a mirror in front of me or not. I'm looking forward to weaning Dacky this year so that my living boob can join the other one in boob heaven and I can finally have two boobs that look the same again, even if they're both dead.
- Updaaaaate -
I wrote this a year ago and I've gotten lots of comments from women who said my boobs would "come back". To which I snorted and thought yeah whatever, not gonna hold my breath.
Just wanted to inform everyone that THEY REALLY DID you guys!!! As you know, Lefty died first, and then I started noticing that they evened out in size so I thought well, they're both dead now, RIP. But then I started getting breast soreness once a month like I used to before I had kids, and they starting FIRMING UP.
They're not the exact same as they used to be, but wow did they regain some life in them. I was seriously worried for their future, but the rumor that breasts can come back after breastfeeding apparently holds truth! Moral of the story, give your body time to bounce back from childbirth and breastfeeding, it's just in shock with one leg over the boat wanting to jump because it's scared. No sudden movements, just gently coax it back with lots of coffee, baths, and no harsh lighting.
Jessica Dimas is the author of the book "Sacred Self-Care for the Highly Sensitive Mom." Follow along on Facebook and Instagram to stay updated with future posts.
Oh my gosh Jess, this post is awesome.... and I'm sorry to laugh at your expense but SO funny! I too have the post partum boob problems, except I never really had any to begin with, now they're just really non existent. I love your illustration, I was literally laughing out loud!
I love the last part though the best, it's true that we are so much more than our outward appearance. The things that attract me to my husband are so much more than what he looks like.
Bahahahaha it's okay, laugh away at my expense!! Yeah it's so messed up what pregnancy and breastfeeding do to your boobs and body, ugh lol. At least we're all in this together!!
Best post partum post I've ever read!!! I think I would have had the same horrified reaction, not gonna lie I check to see if the girls were still alive. Motherhood does some crazy stuff to our bodies and in the end like you said it's just a body, not who we are!
Hahaha thank you!! Yeah it's just wrong the things that motherhood does to your body. For some reason I guess I just thought I'd magically bypass all of it, like it couldn't happen to me lol WRONG.
How can you be so hilarious and then so inspiring like two seconds later? This is such a great post! Now that Little A has abruptly stopped breastfeeding, I have a feeling I am about to go back to my flat days, too. I was never the one with the big boobs in my family, and my nickname was "Tiny Boobs" (which my little sister still occasionally calls me). I feel ya! And thank you for reminding me that we are more than just our bodies 🙂
Lol thank you. Cause I ugly cried while writing this, laughing at myself and then crying for myself hahahahaha. If I had had sisters, I'm sure I'd have some awesome nicknames too lol
Ha! I have been there mama! I wrote a whole post on it too. It is somewhat devastating at first, especially if you had a larger chest to begin with. Now being pregnant, I fit into all my old pre-children bras. Which I am like wow...look how big these things were! Then I remember that this is the fourth child I will breastfeed and I better not get used to the illusion of these boobs. But in the end, it is all okay! I feel so lucky and grateful that I am able to breastfeed. And like my husband says "we can always buy you a new pair if you want them". HAHAHA!
Yes!!! And devastating is actually the perfect description for how it feels. I love your attitude on it though, and yes, so glad there's always the implant option lol
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom
Loooooooove this Jessica. Funny, sentimental, and totally relatable!
I have a boob that died too. When the other boob died, they never quite got into harmony with one another... so I'm a bit lopsided but not as bad as it used to be.
Love your boob drawing LOL.
This was awesome.
Thanks for sharing.
Well that's somewhat reassuring that even though they didn't quite get in harmony, the difference isn't as bad. That's all I ask for lol.
I totally have this same problem. I know exactly what you are talking about. Pancake boobs
Yes, it's horrible!!!!!
LOL! I Love this!!! I, unfortunately, never knew this problem!!! I was tortilla flats, well, forever, except for the time I was nursing Palmer. Those were some fantastic boobs!! Those 11 months, I was in boob heaven!!
But seriously, I laughed at this, but I love that you say you are so much more than a body; a mama, a wife, caretaker of your family!
Another winning post, my friend!
I bet your boobs are still awesome though, smaller breasts look better for longer!! Now u wish I would've had smaller ones to begin with so I wouldn't resemble a 90 year old now lol. Thanks Alycia!!
This had me crying and laughing SO HARD! Mine have gone to booby heaven as well, so I empathize. I love how you rounded out the post and helped me realize that I'm worth way more than what my body looks like. Great post!
LOL thank you Charlee. And it's somehow better when you know you aren't alone!!
Tiffany @ A Touch of Grace
Oh my gosh I'm just dying girl. I think I remember you mentioning the dying boob in passing before. And I am so with you on them not being the same after nursing. I totally took my pre-baby boobs and body for granted!
Me too Tiffany lol I didn't know how good I had it.
Sarah @ GlamGranolaGeek
Ha! Mine jumped ship together, but they are going to have to find their way home for round 3!
Hahahaha!!! Sometimes I consider another just to bring them back to life for a little bit lol
Does Luis get a gold star for what he said? And you get one too for what you said. We age and make kids together. I can't even imagine what Cassidy has seen through that. Sigh.
Well I always had two dead boobs, so nothing really changed through childbirth and nursing. They'll never droop, though!
Yes he does!! And yeah, I don't even want to imagine what they've seen lol.
I could have sworn I left you a comment on here. Maybe it was Facebook? My bad. This is the most hilarious thing ever, Jess. I'm sorry your boob died. May it rest in peace. Here's hoping to rocking your body like Justin Timberlake says to do anyway. Thanks for sharing and being such a rockstar mama!
Hahahaha you make me laugh so hard. #RIP
What takes this post up a notch for me is the drawing. HILARIOUS. I hate to laugh at your expense, but sometimes the only thing left to do IS laugh when things go crazy. Postpartum woes are no joke, even years later. The things we do for our children!!!
Bahahaha I had to throw that in there so people could get a real sense of the devastation lol. And yes, they surely aren't!!
Ailee | Snapshots & My Thoughts
I mean, this post is seriously hilarious. I love it. Everything about it. So well written and SO TRUE.
Thank you Ailee!! xo
I could vividly picture you mourning the loss of your boob. May it Rest in Peace! Baha. Thanks for being so honest! xo
HAHAHAHAHA thank you Amy!! xo
I breastfed more out if my right breast then my left breast and now my right boob looks deflated. I always thought breastfeeding made them bigger... Oh how I was wrong. Almost makes me not want to breastfeed if I ever have another baby...
Yeah we have the same issue! Seems like some women GAIN boobs even after they're done breastfeeding and others, the majority I think, end up with a deflated version of what they had.
Tiffany mentioned this blog post of yours on her site and I knew I had to read it. ...AND IT IS VERY FUNNY!! haaaa!!! I LOOOOOVE YOUR DRAWING!!! So freakin' awesome!!! Great post!! I love it!! I am 42 and I work out 4 to 5 days a week. Yes, 42. My parents look very young, so I am sure some of it is hereditary. I never had anything done to myself and I never will, even if my boobs get all crazy, or not. LOL!!! Everyone thinks that I am in my late 20's or in my 30's. Anyhoo ~ I am very into taking care of myself. I did breast feed my son and I see a difference in my boobs too, but I do all I can to look decent and be healthy... it was all worth it for him 🙂 This post was awesome!!
Get OUT!!! You can't be 42, like you just can't be. You look 26. I SERIOUSLY didn't think you were any older than like.....26 LOL. No no no, I seriously don't believe it Cindy, this whole time I've thought you were this sweet young girl, like a little sister (not that you aren't sweet or young) but you definitely have AMAZING genes. Well whatever you are doing to take care of yourself is working, now I need you to make a post on that as well lol. I feel like all I do is ask you to make blog posts, can I just come be a fly on your wall?!
Totally inappropriate reaction. Let me start over...
Now, seriously, I love you. HAHAHAHAHA This post wasn't showing up in my bloglovin feed but I remembered you told me about it at Disneyland and OH MAN. SO GLAD I FOUND IT! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
Oh god. I feel your fate sister- but I can tell you....although it will always be slightly gone..once you're completely weaned free for around 9 months, that bitch will be back! Or...the other one will die just enough to match. lol
loved this so much!!!!!!!
Omg, more than one nursing mom has told me that! That it kind of gains back life after several months of not nursing. PLEASE SWEET BABY JESUS. Or at least let my other one die to match it. I'd be happy with that too at this point. Just MATCH is all I ask. Even my mom's boobs are better than mine and she was like "just wait awhile after you're done nursing and they'll change." LORD I hope you guys are right lol.
Love it!! I'm enjoying having preggy boobs at the moment (for a small busted lady it's pretty awesome) but before falling pregnant boy had they shrunk. Despite still breastfeeding. My wonky boob is my left, especially after having a MASSIVE breast abscess when my daughter was 10 weeks old. Thank God for boobs and everything they can do. But yes, we are so much more. Great post x
Oh niiice, preggy boobs are the best 😀 It really is amazing all that they do, and that's an aspect I try to focus on more than how they look...all that they've done!! <3
OH MY GOSH! Thank you pinterest for bringing me to you! It is 10:00pm, I was getting ready to go to bed, decided to see if anything interesting was on pinterest before I close the lids and what'ya know...there was! I was laughing so hard, I woke up my husband from his deep sleep! I am 33, mother of 4, very tiny (4"11), and have always had big boobs. I actually hated them cause I was so small, it made me look a bit disproportionate. Well...after 4 babies and 3 of them nursing...my boobs became well...lopsided. I always produced more on one side. I pilgrim's to my husband about it all the time and he would shrug me off, well one day, laying in bed, we were cuddling and wouldn't ya know...notices that the boobs on top was out of my bra and hanging around. He was like "wtf happened?!" I told him that's what happens when you have kids and feed um. He suggested perhaps I get a different size bra. Doesn't matter...they fall out of everything and if I use a sports bra, I get the one boobs look. He doesn't mind it all, but I on the other hand...would prefer them perky like before but hey...It's life right!
Hahahaha oh my gosh, loved this comment, thank you. I just didn't know these kinds of things happened so early in life, I was hoping maybe when we were in our 40's lol. Yeah I've really come to realize that men pretty much have zero standards and we're the only ones who care so much, so that makes me feel a little better haha!
Girlfriend, wait until you turn 50! You will wish you had those postpartum breast back!
LOL yes my newest way of coping with body changes is trying to envision myself being like 90 years old and looking at my body through her eyes.
I would just like to say L.O.L.,
okay?! Your post had me literally crying. You had me at Big Pimpin' (one of my all time faves), mofos and "GO AWAY!"
I have birthed seven children, tandem nursed, and lost my boobs as well. It is not easy accepting that, along with stretch marks and all the other weird little postpartum stuff that I'll probably live with for life. I can relate to your story on so many levels. Thank you for sharing! Loved it!
LOL loved reading your comment. It really IS hard to accept. You always think it will be easy when the day comes, but no one is ever prepared for it I don't think! At least we can all commiserate together 🙂
They do come back a lot. Especially if you are as young as thirty. It takes several years. It was definitely a small bump in my desire to have a fourth kid 8 years after the third (which I guess was really only 5 years of no nursing).
Yeah I've been told that. Actually the whole situation has improved since I wrote this, which was a year ago. So that's definitely true!
Oh well...guess I'm doomed since I'm approaching 40. Happy for you though!
This was so stinking hilarious!! Oh my word, I totally identify with this.
Hahaha yeah it's depressing how many of us can relate!
This was an amazing story, you told it very well. And I'm more than super stoked that I'm not the only mom in the world who has the boob blues. I have 5 children they are grown now my youngest is 9 Yrs old. I really enjoyed this knowledge of I'm not the only one, thank you so much.
You definitely aren't the only one! I'm glad you like the post 🙂
I want to thank you for this article because it does give me little hope. I just recently gave birth to our almost 3 month old and though I was not able to continue breastfeeding my boobs still became grandma like. 28G breast’s just hang and though I have not lost my size my once perky loves of my life are now hopeless and sad. Before and during I didn’t not read anything about what your boobs would become until I learned about a month after our daughter was born. So again reading your article give me hope that someday they may seam a bit more normal. Thank you 🙏