If you're looking for funny poop stories, do I ever have a treat for you.
In this blog post, I'm sharing two horrific poop tales I've lived to tell. Let's make a game out of it, shall we?
![funny poop stories funny poop stories](http://i1284.photobucket.com/albums/a561/piganddac/public-diarrhea%20-min_zps0zn1nrwd.jpg)
You guys, after reading this
I don't know what it is, but ever since giving birth to two children, it's like my butt will not hold in poop for longer than 5 minutes if I have to go.
In the last two months, I have found myself very vulnerable in public when "the cramps" set in.
Since I have no dignity left, I thought we could play a sick game where I tell you my two diarrhea stories, and you tell me which one you would choose if you were forced to. What do ya say?!
Story #1 - Toddler Induced Diarrhea Torture
It was a Saturday morning and we were at a hip little brewery restaurant for a friend's birthday party. Everything was going amazing...that should've been my first clue that things were going to go downhill; going out with both boys is never amazing.
The party was dragging on a bit (for little kid standards) and the boys were getting antsy. Dacky was twirling around in the middle of the floor, watching his balloon that our server had given him and not giving a general shit that he was in everyone's way.
I was attempting to pull him in by the arm after he had ignored my requests to come back closer to me, and he would just go limp while laughing as I was forced to swing him around to stand him back up.
Then Piggie asked to use the bathroom and I offered to take him so that Luis could talk to his friend. He started doing the poop dance and said he needed to go now.
We bolted towards the restrooms and I see a line coming out of the women's side. Damn it. I stood there for a second, contemplating what to do, and while I did that about 4 more women got in line.
He was going to have to use the men's restroom, so I sent him in and thought maybe he could do his business while I stood at the door.
Until I quickly remembered "No, he cannot get on the toilet without a step stool, nor wipe himself" and he was about to crap his pants, so I lurched into the bathroom just in time to see a man quickly zip his pants up...OH MY GOD!! The men's restroom is so vile and vulgar; no privacy and urinals just out in the open. Gross!
I hurriedly shuffled Piggie into the only stall there was and carefully sat him on the toilet.
Afterwards as I was wiping him, I was noticing all the grime around us and realized the fact that this was the only toilet for pooping in. The toilet handle looked like it had 20 layers of disease on it.
I stood Piggie up and he went to flush the toilet, to which I hiss-screamed "NOOO!! That thing is NASTY!" and I quickly flushed it with my foot.
That was the beginning of the end.
He FLIPPED and started jumping up and down, saying that I flushed his poop and that he was supposed to do that. To which I responded "Oh hell no you weren't, do you know how dirty that handle was?!" (I was hoping my blunt response tactic would make him see there was no debate to have...it didn't work).
I forced him out the bathroom and I walked over to the women's side so I could wash my hands. All of these college girls were standing there while Piggie followed me in, beating my leg and scream crying that he hated me. All the stares like they'd never seen a small child freak out before. (Just wait, bishes, your turn is coming).
I did a fast-walk over to my husband and told him we had to go. Dacky was still twirling in circles while servers with trays full of food attempted to walk past him and Piggie was now on the floor, continuing his haterade-on-mommy tantrum.
We got our car from the mandatory valet parking and I notice Dacky had taken a dump. Are you kidding me right now, life? So in the freakin' valet line, I popped my SUV's trunk, laid Dacky in the back and changed his poop diaper, using the last wipe we had <--- plot hint.
My husband had driven his car because afterwards he was leaving with his dad and brother to go on a weekend hiking trip up north. We kissed goodbye and I pulled out onto the road, thankful for the break in chaos.
Except it was at that moment that I felt my stomach gurgle. I tried to breathe deeply and calm my frazzled nerves. All of the sudden I was in like 5 lanes of traffic to choose from and my GPS told me to turn left, so I made a quick dart over into the left turning lane.
I noticed a Chick-Fil-A on the opposite corner of traffic and took a mental note of a restroom location. (My soul knew).
Piggie started whining very loudly that he wanted Papá and meanwhile Dacky sounded like a broken record, asking over and over again "Papá go mountains? Papá go mountaaains?"
I felt "the drop" right then and knew I had to get to a bathroom ASAP. As I was turning left, I called Luis and said "I need your help, right now." He replied "I need help too, I have a flat tire." Me, "Good luck with that, I have to go." Hung up.
I dangerously flipped a bitch and went through the intersection again while begging the boys to be quiet because Mommy was about to lose her shit, literally.
I pull into a space at Chick-Fil-A and yanked the boys out of the car. Dacky had, as usual, removed his socks and shoes and since there was no time for that, I decided to just carry him in shoeless.
Piggie was saying he wanted Papá and wasn't going to come with me. I could feel my butt quivering under the pressure and knew my time was limited. I told Piggie that if he didn't come with me right now...he was going to get ran over by cars. Don't judge me.
Both boys were distracted by the play area once we got inside. I tried to play it cool like I wasn't in a sweaty diarrhea rush and calmly walked towards the bathroom.
Piggie stopped and loudly announced he wanted to play in the play area. Through gritted teeth, I quietly but menacingly told him he had better come with Mommy. He looked at me like I was psycho but came with me into the bathroom.
I went into the huge stall and sat my enormous two year old on the changing table, which could barely hold his weight but it was going to have to do since he was shoeless. I ran over to the toilet and finally felt sweet release.
I went to grab the wipies out of my purse and then remembered I'd used the last one on Dacky. I went next for the toilet paper and it was empty. No, no, no...I composed myself and calmly told Piggie to go into the next stall and bring Mommy a bunch of toilet paper.
He slowly walked over there and fiddled around and then finally brought me back one square of shitty, thin, public toilet paper. My soul actually hurt at this point.
I did what I could with that one square, which wasn't much, letmetellyou. I pulled up my pants and with them still unbuttoned barged into the stall next to me, looked around and saw a cabinet...opened it and pulled out an entire huge roll of toilet paper. I ushered Piggie back into our stall where I was able to properly finishing wiping.
Pros - I was able to use a restroom
Cons - had to deal with two toddlers, lots of traffic, no toilet paper.
Story #2 - Mexican Corral Degradation
That story was just a warm up for what was to come. I was down in Mexico last month visiting my husband's family. His home state is tropical, humid, and very alive - insects, iguanas, lots of nature spilling over into daily living, etc.
Mexicans love their food, and they love for you to eat it. I love to eat it too, but after several heavy meals mixed with the humid, hot weather, my stomach was feeling weak almost daily.
Luis told me one morning we were going to go up to a restaurant in the mountains, and as I got in the front seat of our car, I felt a slight gurgle go across my lower stomach.
Nothing too threatening, but it wasn't like I had a choice to do anything about it; several of Luis' family members were already getting in their cars and leaving to go up to the restaurant as well and we had to follow them.
The road was twisty and had random speed humps, which my husband would come up upon too fast and would then have to hit the brake before driving over them. I felt my stomach getting crazier and I started cursing my life under my breath. And then...the butt-squeezing induced drop.
"Luis, oh my god, pull the **** over, I can't!"
He looked at me as if I couldn't possibly be serious.
"PULL THE **** OVER!! I'M GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS!!! What do I do?! Oh my ******* god, where do I go?!" Luis tried not to laugh and told me I would have to climb up the side of the mountain and crap behind a tree. In the "corral" as he called it in his annoying Spanish accent.
Is this my life right now? Like really?
Luckily Luis' family was ahead of us so they didn't notice right away that we had pulled over and they kept driving. I grabbed some wipies from my purse and got out of the car.
I took my first step into the mountain terrain and my foot sunk into about a foot of leaves. I saw some rocks and jumped to the first one and then quickly jumped to the next one, and realized I shit myself a little bit in the process...I would've cried right then but I knew I had zero minutes to get my pants off before the rest would be violently exploding out.
I took several more big leaps up the mountain to a tree, and could hear things running around in the leaves. I immediately squatted down and crapped behind the tree.
I noticed my excellent squatting position, which I'd never mastered before on previous camping trips. Apparently when you're forced to become one with nature in less than a minute, your caveman instincts kick in.
I went to grab my wipies and noticed a yellow spider walking across them. I didn't even care and just threw it off. I was attempting to tell myself that none of this had been that bad since none of Luis' family knew, and then right before I could pull my pants up, a car drove up and parked a few car lengths behind Luis....they had a perfect view of me. I think a part of me died in that moment that will never be salvaged.
I quickly hovered back down behind the sparse shrubbery, pants still down, dignity totally gone. My bright, neon pink blouse was not helping my case.
I grabbed some thorny weeds and tried pulling them in front of me. It looked exactly like Luis' cousins car and all I could think was that his family was looking at me naked and squatting, and were going to wait until I stood up to leave. I closed my eyes and wondered how this could possibly be happening.
After what felt like an eternity, the car left and I quickly stood up and pulled my pants almost all the way back on to avoid coming in direct contact with my poop underwear because there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to stand any longer in the spidery leaves and risk someone else coming along.
I hopped back down the mountain, my feet becoming entangled in thorny, rope-like plants while animal life scattered around me. I took a breather on the last rock, bent over with my hands on my knees and wept a little bit. First world problems, man.
I looked up to see my mother-in-law and her sister, niece and nephew all pull up to see why we had stopped following them. I immediately stood up and did a weird wave-and-nod like I was the president before jumping back into our car. I saw Luis' nephew smiling from his window at me as they pulled away. They knew.
Luis was trying hard not to laugh, waiting to see my reaction and just staring at me. Of course I cursed Mexico and said I couldn't wait to go home.
Me: "You didn't even help me! You could've HELPED ME at least!"
Him: "What did you want me to do, open my mouth and let you shit in it just because I'm Mexican and you're American?!"
I told him not to look because I had poop underwear I had to take off. "Did you seriously shit your pants?" he asked me. You don't lose all dignity until you have to change poop underwear in front of your husband, in a car, in broad daylight.
Once we got up the mountain and to the restaurant, I could see his mom come up on his side of the car and whisper to him while smiling. She then came around on my side, totally being fake and concerned for my wellbeing. NEWSFLASH Mother-In-Law, people can see through WINDOWS!
Pros - I had wipies with yellow spiders on them
Cons - I had to crap in the "corral", had an audience, lost all dignity
So, before you never talk to me again, which experience would you choose if you had to and why?! Discuss.
Alycia Lowe
OMG!!! This is the best thing I've ever read!!! Seriously! So funny!!! I laughed so hard at the quivering butt! Your horrific stories about killed me with laughter! Sorry!!!!
I'm sorry you had these two moments, but we've all been there. Maybe not with our in-laws watching us crap in the corral, but something close to that I'm sure!
Jessica Dimas
Hahahahaha I'm glad you left a comment rather than immediately block me lol. Also I love the way you summarized with that last sentence ??
Wendy Wisner
I could have written this! I have IBS so shit like this (sorry for the pun) has happened to me more than once. It's gotten better with some dietary changes, but OMG I have been there dragging my kids into dirty bathrooms in tears. I feel you! And thank you for making it funny. It sure doesn't feel that way when it's happening! Oh, and I have had to pull to the side of the road to go also!
Jessica Dimas
That actually makes me feel so much better to know lol, I feel like I'm seriously the only person who has these experiences. Yes, it's weep-worthy when it's happening but later it's like, omg did that really happen LOL. So embarrassing.
Tamara
Oh my god, Jess. This is amazing. I kept getting interrupting so it took me like 20 minutes to read. I'd rather have neither happen to me, but the first story has a lot more dignity, I should say! No in-laws or corrals! Ahh!
My stomach is fairly strong but my nerves can sometimes REALLY jack it up. It can be like once a year.. or during a bad year.. once a month. And it generally happens at home but there have been times I have been sweating and rushing a goodbye at a party.. just to get home. Barely.
Jessica Dimas
LOL yes, the first one definitely had more dignity. I thought it was really bad until the Mexico one happened, now the first one looks like a dream situation if you're gonna have to shit your pants in public lol. Yes, nerves jack me up too, I think that was my issue with the first one. The boys had me so unraveled!
Tamara
*interrupted.
Tiffany
OMG girl. I can't even. I am dying inside for you right now! I would have made the hubs turn around and drive back down to the house, where I would promptly lock myself in a room for a few hours. I mean, shit happens but Jess, that's one for the record books.
Jessica Dimas
I don't know why I didn't think of that lol. I think we were way too far into the wilderness to turn back. Sigh...it's definitely one for the record books!
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom
Oh - My - Goodness. I feel sick for you. Both of these stories are mortifying, but I'll take story #1 anytime because oh my story #2 involves a complete loss of dignity.
You poor thing. Eeek! I'm like this with my pee. My bowel movements are far and few in between (my husband says it's unnatural). In fact when I was in labour with my first child, my doula coached me saying, push like you're pooping. I looked at her perplexed and then my hubby started laughing and proceeded to tell her that I don't know how to poop. When it comes, I go. I don't sit down to poop... I run and go, instantly (and it's usually the size of a flipping wine bottle). I guess that's what happens when you poop every 2-3 days.
There... feel better? I just shared how bunged up I am!
Thanks for the giggles. Sorry to have laughed so hard but this... this was classic!
xoxo
Jessica Dimas
LOL I love your husband's thoughts on your bowel movements.
LMAO okay now I'm really laughing hysterically!!!!! My husband says I'm so disgusting because it's like my poop just falls out versus his sitting on the toilet for like 20 mins. All I need is one minute and I'm done and outta there LOL. Could we be ANYMORE alike?!
Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom
Ha! That's too funny! My hubby takes forever too. Sometimes I think he's just taking a half hour break from everything. lol
My poops never take more than a minute. We ARE so much alike!
Kristy
OMFGah, Jess!!!! How am I just now reading this. You poor unfortunate soul! (Singing like Ursula...I'm always singing like a Disney character, by the way) I was crying laughing with Charlotte in my lap earlier, because you know it takes a good hour for me to read just one blog post these days, and she said, "Why you cying, Mama?" Lol. I would gladly take story number one over the second any day. Because story number one is more real life. That would be me for sure! LOL. Story 2 is more AMC material. Just wrong and unusual punishment, basically against the law. So...will this story make the book? 😉
Jessica Dimas
LOL I love that she asked why you were crying hahahaha. Awesome. I told my husband that you said the Mexico experience was wrong and unusual punishment, THANK YOU!!! That's what I'm saying.
Chelsea
Oh man. You made me laugh so much! That first story is rough but the fact that there were people who saw you and that they were related to you is probably worse. But both are oh so bad!
Jessica Dimas
So much badness lol. Hopefully I never experience anything closely related ever again!
Jaclyn Kent
Hahaha omgsh these are great stories. I love your humor!
Jessica Dimas
Lol thanks Jaclyn!
Angelica
OMG! I can totally relate to both of these stories. Something about giving birth makes going to the bathroom a lot more...effortless! It's awful. I thought I was the only one. Hahahahaha.
Jessica Dimas
RIGHT?!?! Wtf, it's so messed up! I'm glad I'm not the only one!!! lol
Amy
I knew this was going to be a gem just by the title. One of the funniest posts I've ever read, I love how you just laid it all out there! Hahaha! And for the record, I would choose #2. 😉
Jessica Dimas
Hahahaha thanks. I also love that you said you'd choose #2, you're the first to choose that one!
Pat B
We care for our 3yo grandson, assuming he doesn't pull of his penis and rupture his balls, he will always be a boy lol....
One time I had to go poop really really bad...we were Christmas shopping as a family so I had our grandson with me. I asked where the bathroom was, and it was up one floor and two stores over...so I kept asking people where the bathroom was, while I was quietly telling grandson I really had to poop badly. So I go up to someone else to ask where that dam bathroom is, and my grandson says Granny has to go poopy NOW where is the potty, she is farting too.
I know I will never see those people again, I guess I should be happy my grandson loves me so much ewwww.
Lol
Jessica Dimas
HAHAHA oh thank you for that laugh, I almost woke my husband up. I just their honesty, it's so horrifying in the moment but something you can't help but laugh about later lol
Amy
Late to the poo party, BUT (pun intended), you make me feel better. I have a scenario #2.5 for you. My father is in town to visit me for the first time ever and I'm trying to impress him (you know how Daddy's Girls do). As my toddler (baby #3) and I are leaving my cousin's house a town away to head to church, I hand him the key and gate remote to my apartment and tell him I'll see him after. As I'm heading out I start getting mild cramps. No big. They get worse. Ok. Definitely going to have to run to the ladies room when I get there. Within minutes I'm just desperate to get home (it's closer) when I realize I can't get in because I gave my dad the key and remote. And within two miles of my destination I realize I will not make it. I see a Jack in the Box and screech into the parking lot like I'm in Tokyo Drift. I then realize I'm not able to get out and drag the toddler with me so I park behind the grocery store next door and grab a diaper from the diaper bag. I get it under me just in time to... Well, you know. It wasn't pretty. It didn't hold it all. And now I have to call my husband, hysterical, and have him come get me. I pooped all in the driver seat of my husband's new Ford Fusion. And after using every wipe in the car, had to do the walk of shame upstairs to my apartment wrapped in a red plastic table cloth that was in the trunk after my husband forgot to bring me another long skirt from my closet. I couldn't even put him in the doghouse for that, I had just pooed in his car.
Um, nice to meet you. I hope we have bonded now.
Jessica Dimas
LMAO oh my gosh, I'm laughing so hard. And I'm sick, so I sound like a dying horse. That was the best story. And since you were so brave about sharing that here, I will let you know that THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME!!!!! Talk about making me feel better, I seriously thought I'm probably the only person of my age and gender who has crapped in her brand new car. Same thing happened, I knew I wouldn't make it home, couldn't go into Target because I had two sleeping little ones, so I grabbed a diaper and wow, those things do not hold anything lol. So yes, nice to meet you, wish we could hold each other and wish away the shame but we can't so thank you for sharing your story and know that you aren't alone.
Amy
Lol thank you for the acceptance! I now feel I am part of an elite club. And don't worry, dying horse = sexy. Isn't that how French women are supposed to talk, all low voiced and sultry?
Hope you feel better soon!
Kat
I am sitting in my office, laughing and crying. And yet somehow, I STILL cannot wait to have children. Honestly? I would choose #1. I am TERRIFIED of spiders and wouldn't have been able to use the wipies... Although I don't mind going outside (and have even had to go over the side of the boat in front of multiple people before!).
Sweet baby Jesus, thank you for putting this blog on the internet!!!
Jessica Dimas
Bahahahaha, thank you for playing my sick game. Yeah, #1 wasn't as bad. It was actually luxurious compared to diarrhea in the Mexican corral. Over the side of a boat with people looking...omg girl, that sounds like something out of my nightmares!!!