But I don’t want my baby to grow up. He’s eighteen months. His breath is still sweet. He still has a chubby tummy. He still has that line on his thighs that show the mark of recent baby rolls. I kiss him and bury my face into his neck and inhale him for as long as I can until my stomach hurts. He always smells so good. He always feels so good in my arms, like he was made to be there at all times. He sets my mommy body off in a flood of chemicals every time I look at or touch him.
When I think of him turning two, I feel like I can’t breathe. It was hard with my first son, but not this hard because I knew I’d have another baby. I’m regretting not enjoying every second of my last pregnancy. I’m regretting not enjoying and savoring all of the moments during his first year. I’m regretting trying to night wean at a year and missing two months of getting to sleep next to him.
I’m back to sleeping next to him. I’ve made every excuse I could in the last few months to my husband…he’s teething, he’s sick, he’s going through an attachment phase…pretended to him and to myself that I was forced to cosleep with him. But I wasn’t. I secretly loved being next to him, even if he woke me up all night.
He is just as drawn to me as I am to him. While Luis and Piggie build Legos or play video games, me and Dacky play peek-a-boo around the corners of the house. I dance with him in the kitchen and nurse him in bed while I hold his hand and smother his forehead with kisses, which has always smelled like heaven to me. When he cries, he only wants me. I relish this moment in time that he loves me the most.
I’m so scared. I feel like this time with my baby is like sand in my hands and it’s just slipping through my fingers. Can I grow with him and be okay with him not needing me as much? Will it still be the same when his belly slenders out and he prefers to play with his dad and older brother? Will I be okay when I’m left alone in the kitchen without my little dancing buddy?
I won’t have my baby anymore, and he was my last one. I hope I didn’t waste it.